


Would You Still Choose To Stay?

by cissyalice



Series: your life was my life's best part [3]
Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: F/F, FINALLY posting another yumagna fic, Flashback, Past Child Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Reference to Physical Assault, Self-Harm, finally my terrible self-esteem actually comes in handy, first week of the apocalypse, i did not just write a 16000 word fic about a freaking tattoo, much hand-holding, s10e12, s10e14, sorry about the wait guys, touch-starved magna, yes i did
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-28
Updated: 2020-10-22
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:13:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 27,086
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26696548
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cissyalice/pseuds/cissyalice
Summary: The first time she'd held her hand, it had been that hand and Magna had flinched, flushing with anger at herself a second later. Miko had pretended not to notice, had kept it there, loose enough for her to slip out of, but firm another to be reassuring, her thumb starting up a pattern against skin, running over those dots like they were little more than freckles. And eventually Magna had settled into it, trying hard not to think about how long it had been since anyone had dared to reach out in such a way, and how much longer it had been since she'd let them.
Relationships: Magna/Yumiko (Walking Dead)
Series: your life was my life's best part [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1676368
Comments: 25
Kudos: 33





	1. Those Dark Sides Of My Mind

**Author's Note:**

> so this fic started out as a 6,000 word oneshot and then through the process of proofreading evolved into 16,000 words so I've decided to turn it into a multichap. It's largely Magna-centric (still working on my Yumiko-centric fic but there's a couple of other fics I need to write that take place before it). This fic is set directly after my first fic when Magna and Yumiko are sleeping at the end of 10.12. It'll jump to 10.14 and then the last chapter takes place their first night at the hospital. It also contains a (long) flashback that'll be broken up into different chapters from their first week in the Apocolypse. I hope you like it. I appreciate you reading these fics and taking the time to tell me how you feel about them so much, I hope you're all staying safe and I'm sending you love and hugs for this difficult year.
> 
> Can't believe we're finally going to see the final episode. Let's start a prayer circle for yumagna reuniting in season 11.

_"What if I show you all those dark sides of my mind? What if I let you in; so that you can see how messy and destructive my soul can be? Would you still be there for me? Would you still choose to stay?"_

_― **Samiha Totanji**_

* * *

Miko traced the dots on her hand with a thumb. Magna no longer stiffened at the gesture. Miko was the only person who could get away with touching that permanent brand, at least without Magna itching to knock some teeth out.

It had taken everything in her not to strike Michonne that day she had grabbed her hand, demanded it in a room full of foreign threats. It felt more intimate than touching any other part of her. She would have rather stripped off in the church right then and there than have an - obviously dangerous - stranger dissect her past and its secrets with her eyes and hands, all in front of a crowd of yet _more_ strangers.

She had felt every one of their eyes crawling over her skin, picking her apart. Like they knew her now. Knew everything there was _to_ know. Like they had that right.

Everyone always thought they knew her. Knew all she was, all she could ever hope to be. What made her _tick._

(they didn't. They couldn't)

Story of her life.

And Michonne had thought that she could demand that vulnerability of her, make that judgment, and just walk away? Without offering anything in return? It wasn't like Magna knew any of _her_ deep dark secrets. Quid pro quo and all that. If someone wanted to open her up, they better be prepared to reach in and pull their own innards out for inspection.

It had taken _years_ for Connie, Kelly, Bernie and Luke to learn that part of her past, for them to earn that right, that trust.

But all the people in that room? She hadn't known them, sure as fuck hadn't _trusted_ them. Especially hadn't trusted Michonne. She could recognize a fellow murderer when she saw one - though these days that encompassed most of the world's population.

She got it later, of course. Watching Michonne through that window, seeing her with RJ.

If she'd had a home to protect, a _child_ to protect - if she hadn't already fucked it all up like she did all those years ago - then she wouldn't have given a shit about boundaries either.

She could respect that.

But Magna did have _people_ to protect. Four of them. She'd already failed one. Hell if she was gonna let any harm come to those who remained. Sure, the people of Alexandria had seemed nice enough. But Magna had been stabbed in the back enough times by people who _seemed_ 'nice enough' to know that appearances weren't worth shit.

People had thought her dad was nice, too. Charming, they'd said. Always smiling, always polite - even drunk, he somehow managed a horrifying level of artifice. But behind closed doors. . .

Her aunt taught Sunday School. Volunteered with the church on the weekends (when she was still sober). She was everyone's friend, a fucking pillar of godly virtue.

But she would have pushed Magna in front of a bus if she'd known she could get away with it, if it would have benefited her somehow.

And her stomach still turned at the memory of Brian Lawson making her laugh, how he'd been so gentle with Maisie, attentive, always getting down on her level, like she was his equal. He hadn't been like the other people in town, hadn't looked at Magna like she was the shit under his shoes.

She'd _liked_ him.

She'd been a goddamn fool.

So, she'd learned her lesson, and it wasn't one she was ever likely to forget, nor one she was prepared to. She sure as hell wasn't going to turn over every one of her weapons to an army of people that could as soon as kill them as help them.

And when she'd realized they were going to get kicked out - her fault, always her fault - even before Miko was fit and ready to be on her feet, she'd panicked. She hadn't been able to save Maisie. Hadn't been able to save Morgan, or Sarah, or Bernie.

But she could sure as hell could save Miko.

Even if the other woman ended up hating her for it, for the lengths she took to ensure her survival.

Even if she ended up hating herself.

Now, Magna wondered.

Would she have really gone through with it?

Killed Michonne?

Maybe.

She wasn't even sure what answer she wanted to that. Yes? No? She wanted to believe that if it came down to it, she _would_ do whatever it took to protect those she loved, that she wouldn't fail in that again. But it also scared her. . .that darkness. How easily she could slip into it.

The truth was, Magna didn't actually know _what_ she was capable of.

And for now she was comfortable with not knowing the answer, with hoping that she’d never have to find out.

She'd murdered a man she'd known for years, _liked_ for years, when she was just seventeen.

That had to mean there was something in her, just a little crooked, just a little off. Something that set her apart from everyone else. Maybe her hometown had been right to judge her, maybe they'd seen from the beginning what she'd only come to figure out later.

* * *

She'd gotten the tattoo a year into her prison sentence, once reality had set in and she'd given up any hope of ever getting out. She'd had it retouched two months after her release at the cheapest tattoo shop she could find that wasn't likely to give her blood poisoning. She still wasn't entirely sure why. She'd never liked the way people stared at it, but it had felt wrong to let it fade away. Somehow, it was comforting to have some sort of concrete evidence of those years. They had been some of the worst of her life and too often she'd woken up wondering if it had just been one giant nightmare, a sick fantasy that clung with violent determination.

You couldn't see the effects on her. She'd looked in the mirror after getting out and, apart from being a little older, her hair a little shorter and the baby fat of youth replaced by hard muscle that still felt somewhat out of place, there'd been . . . nothing. There should have been _something._ How did you walk through hell and come out without a burn or even a little dusting of ash?

But there was nothing.

She looked _normal._ Average. Just like everyone else. She wasn't. She couldn't ever be. Her aunt had been right when she'd called her wicked. Reprobate. Rotten from the inside out. But the mirror hadn't shown it. It never showed it.

And those years in prison had passed in and out of her life like they'd never been. The effects were there, of course. She still had a record. She still struggled to get a job that didn't make her want to risk destitution and start living on the street.

But physically? There was nothing.

It made her feel like she was going crazy, sometimes. Her outside didn't match her inside, no matter how long she stared at the mirror willing it to. The darkness didn't show. It never showed.

The only real things she had left over from those days in prison were Miko and a small, easily hidden tattoo. She'd never told the other woman how having her in her life had helped ease the transition into freedom. Because here, at least, there was one person who knew the old Magna and the new Magna she was stumbling her way into becoming, who knew why she didn't like being confined or surrounded by people.

Why sometimes she would stare at a door waiting for it to open because, for three years, she hadn't had the right to open _any_ door.

Why she had a panic attack whilst grocery shopping once when another customer stepped into her space without warning, reaching over her shoulder to grab a packet of pasta off the top shelf - because the last time someone came up behind her she'd gotten shanked in the back. She'd completely flipped out, scaring the startled stranger away, before collapsing onto the floor, making herself smaller, less vulnerable as her arms and knees came up to guard her midsection and angled the shelf to cover her back. It had taken Miko twenty minutes to calm her down, long enough for a crowd to form.

Her humiliation over the event lasted much longer.

But she had never had to explain anything to Miko. Either she knew already or she knew enough not to ask.

Miko knew who she was without Magna ever actually having to say a word.

She was a constant reminder that those years in prison _hadn_ _'t_ been a nightmare. That they were real. That she wasn't going crazy.

That there was a reason Magna no longer fit into her own skin.

Why some days she felt like she'd been dropped onto an alien planet, struggling to assimilate into a life that was everybody else's normal.

Prison had been terrible. But it had very quickly become _her_ normal. She'd learnt the routine, the guards and the inmates. Learnt what to expect. What the dangers were. What small things promised safety.

That wasn't possible in the outside world. Anything could be a threat. Anything could be benign. Many behaviors that she'd developed to survive growing up and then gone on to hone on the inside weren't tolerated in the real world, made her stand out.

(but they'd made her feel right at home in the apocalypse. _That_ was a landscape she could navigate, a way of life that had a place for her. Sometimes, Magna wondered whether she'd been waiting her whole life for the world to end)

They'd read _The Scarlet Letter_ in her last year at school - though, to be honest, she'd only gotten through a few chapters - and Magna had felt when she stepped out of prison for the first time what she still felt now: like there should be some sort of brand on her, marking her apart, a murderer: _dangerous, keep back._

But there was nothing.

As unsettling as the tattoo was, it was also the only thing that felt _right._ Kept her from thinking that she was losing her mind.

Usually, she tended to cover it up with fingerless gloves but she hadn't had those in prison when Miko visited her. The older woman had never stared at it, though, at least no more than any of her other tattoos.

The first time she'd held her hand, it had been _that_ hand and Magna had flinched, flushing with anger at herself a second later. Miko had pretended not to notice, had kept it there, loose enough for her to slip out of, but firm enough to be reassuring, her thumb starting up a pattern against skin, running over those dots like they were little more than freckles. And eventually Magna had settled into it, trying hard not to think about how long it had been since anyone had dared to reach out in such a way, and how much longer it had been since she'd let them.

There'd been the occasional hook-up since going to prison but there were rules with those. No kissing, no talking and no touching anywhere that wasn't explicitly necessary to get the job done.

When Miko had cried in her arms that night the world went to hell, it had been the first time anyone had gotten so close to her in years; terrifying and thrilling her all at once. After that moment, Magna had never stopped aching for the other woman's touch. Her body cried out with need every time Miko was in her presence - and it wasn't even _sexual,_ at least not for the most part. If it was just sexual, she would have been able to handle it.

But she hadn't known what to do with the knowledge that she wanted Miko to touch her just so she could _feel._ The other woman slipping her hand into hers felt better than all the sex Magna had ever had and that was _insane._

Illogical.

Even now, so many years later, she still delighted at Miko's touch in a way she doubted she would ever experience with another person. She needed it the same way she needed food or water, the same way she needed to _breathe._

She loved it and, for a long time, she'd hated that she loved it.

But these days she was growing to accept the strange power Miko had over her, and that such power wasn't necessarily the threat she had first perceived it to be. That Magna even seemed to have that same power over Yumiko and, just as she would never use it to harm her, Miko possessed an equal level of restraint when it came to her.

_Trust._

It was a frightening responsibility, almost too heavy for Magna to carry. But she wouldn't set it down for anything in the world. Not now. This was one load she felt lucky to bear.


	2. The Actions of Your Heart

Those five dots were why she tended to wear gloves most of the time. Said it was because they looked cool, or that her hands tended to get cold - both reasons true (though the slim slip of fabric she usually donned didn't go a long way in keeping her hands warm and she doubted anyone was really buying _that_ rational but the others let her keep her story, didn't try to poke holes in it, and she appreciated that) but mostly it was a layer of protection. Even around people who already knew about it, she wasn't exactly comfortable with any staring the mark tended to provoke. The tattoo had always been for her and her alone, no one else.

But she didn't mind so much, now, the times it caught Miko's attention, the way her thumb would idly trace over the symbol as though she could feel the pattern beneath the pad of her skin, could rub out all the darkness and insecurity contained in those dots, soothe away her anxiety with nothing but touch. She was more successful in her endeavor than Magna was entirely comfortable with. It felt wrong to relax whilst that part of her was under scrutiny, to feel safe while her crime was so brazenly out in the open - and, before now, it had also made the simmering guilt swirling around inside her bubble up past her walls at the reminder of the lie still festering between them.

The touch felt wrong.

But it also felt right. She _liked_ it. More and more, with every time Miko's gaze took in the tattoo, every time she didn't hesitate to touch it, to _hold_ the hand that bore it.

It reassured her more than words could.

Words were important to Miko, but Magna had learned to be suspicious of them, knew how easily they could be fabricated, how often they failed to be backed up with any truth. But actions? Actions rarely lied. Actions she could more easily trust.

Miko showing up twice a week, every week whilst she was in prison - more than that, the closer to the end they got - when Magna hadn't expected to see her return after that first meeting. Every visit she assumed to be the last, waited for the day she would get up to meet Miko only to be informed that she wasn't coming, that she wouldn't ever be coming again.

Magna waited. But that eventuality never arrived. Miko always came. She didn't leave her. Didn't give up on her.

That was an action.

Miko delivering on her promise to free her from prison - something Magna had been pessimistic about from the beginning, even after she'd warmed up to the other woman and begun to believe her intentions were genuinely good, if nothing else-

That was an action.

Staying, even after they'd won the court case and Miko's responsibility to her had ended, helping her find an apartment, a job.

Those were actions.

Visiting her almost every night whilst she worked in the truck stop, taking her out to coffee, braving the cockroach-infested living space of her apartment, inviting her into the privacy of Miko's _own_ home - even going so far as to let her stay when she needed it. . .

Being her friend.

All actions that had slivered there way through the cracks of Magna's heart, cracks she hadn't even known were there, wouldn't have allowed to continue to exist if she had.

Committing murder to save her life.

An action that to this very day Magna hated that Miko had had to take, hated herself for not being stronger, quicker, for letting that man get the better of her. And yet, she couldn't deny the significance of it, how it managed to warm her even as it chilled her to the bone.

Of course, there was one action that Magna had hated even more. Miko pushing her out of the way of a bullet, taking that bullet herself, nearly dying - for _her._

She had never been worth dying for. Never been worth someone throwing their life away. She hadn't been when her mother had landed herself in prison, and she was even less so the day Miko took that hit. It made her angry, even as it stunned her.

She still couldn't quite wrap her head around it now, almost two years later. Couldn't fathom why anyone would do that for her. Found it hard to swallow the care, the _love_ the action implied - no, screamed.

She'd known then, though she still hadn't been quite ready to face it, that Yumiko loved her. Hadn't understood what kind of love that was yet, true.

But still. Love.

And that had scared her. And thrilled her.

In the weeks Miko had spent recovering, Magna had packed up her things almost twice every day, insides raging with the all-consuming urge to flee. And every day, she'd unpacked them once more, determinedly not acknowledging the way the former lawyer watched the routine, a tired but relieved smile on her face every time Magna took her things back out - too full of understanding, of _love._ It had itched under Magna's skin, made her fiddle with her knife even more than usual, causing the strokes of her carvings to become almost erratic.

It didn't entirely make sense. How the thought of being loved scared her more than the expectation of being hated.

She could take people's judgment.

Their disgust.

She'd been doing that all her life. Knew how to handle it. How to angle herself so that the cuts didn't enter quite so deep or slice through anything vital - so she didn't bleed out.

Love, though, that felt like someone was taking a knife to the most vulnerable spaces inside her, like it was hovering there, ready to strike, and she was running out of shields to defend against it.

Love was terrifying.

And fuck if she had any idea what to do with it.

But she stayed.

She didn't run.

Her own kind of action.

And Miko looked at her during those weeks like she understood the significance of that, like she could read all the things Magna couldn't yet force her mouth to say.

Didn't know _how_ to say.

Miko had always been good at reading her.

And settling her.

Like now. With the simplest of actions - but one Magna wasn't convinced she would ever fully become used to.

Holding her left hand. Gentle, unrestraining. Thumb not shying away from that part of her she still couldn't bring herself to stop concealing.

This action had started the first year into the apocalypse. Magna had sliced her hand open during a fight with some sickos - a crooked sliver of glass had been the closest weapon available and she had seized it without hesitation, ramming it into the skull of the hulking abomination on top of Miko. She'd barely felt it slice its way through her skin as she applied the necessary force to drive it into the creature's brain. She still had the scar - and Miko still fussed over it sometimes, long after it had healed.

* * *

**Past**

All the color drained from the former lawyer's face when she saw the state of that hand in the aftermath of her rescue. Blood had never been easy for Miko to stomach, and Magna's hand was certainly soaked with it, but she held her breath, not even hesitating to rush forward and grab it. She was careful with her touch, doing her best to avoid the open wound as she pulled it towards her, ignoring Magna's attempts to shield it from her gaze.

She'd always hated to be fussed over, hated the attention, the way it made her feel guilty and, in that moment, she hated the way the older woman looked torn between throwing up and passing out as she took in the damage.

(in the years to come, Yumiko's stomach would be forced to toughen beyond repair - but not just yet)

She didn't allow Magna any resistance, not even when the younger woman flinched at remembering what else marred that hand, tried to tug it free once more. In that moment, it was covered in blood, impossible to see, but Miko was already tugging out her water bottle to tip it over the wound, clear up the visual.

Magna knew what came next.

The fear that gripped her in that second was stronger than the pain and she tried once more to squirm away, especially when she felt fingers reaching to peel back the scraps of fabric functioning as gloves to better reveal the cut.

"Stop squirming. You're like a child," Miko huffed, face still too pale as she winced upon getting an even closer look at the wound. "This is bad. I think it needs stitches."

"It's fine." Magna pulled at her hand once more, receiving a glare for her trouble.

"Magna, you're bleeding out, why are you being so difficult about this?"

She looked away, unable to manage more than a useless, repetitive, "I'm fine."

Her throat felt full, her chest tight.

She could recognize the beginnings of irrational panic.

She cursed herself and her body for the lack of control. And the ill-timing.

Miko sighed and finally released her hand.

Magna whipped it back in a rush, almost clocking herself in the mouth with the force and speed with which she did it, cradling the limb protectively to her chest. In the next instant, Miko was taking off her outer shirt and handing it to Magna, the order clear in her voice. "Wrap that around it. It's not sanitary, I know, but we need to stem the bleeding."

Huffing, Magna took the shirt and did as she was told, not sure if she was frustrated or touched by the other woman's persistent care.

She was still too busy trying to bring her breathing back under control.

Miko sidestepped the fallen sicko and made her way over to her abandoned backpack, pulling out the first aid kit they'd brought with them from Magna's apartment - it had been a birthday gift from Yumiko's mother, along with a toaster that was far more expensive than Magna would ever have been able to justify buying for herself. They'd embellished the box quite a bit over the past few days, including a suture kit they'd recently come across when rifling through the veterinary practice they were currently in - Magna had been hoping for drugs and medical supplies, Miko had been on the lookout for any animals desperate to be freed from their cages (ignoring the very obvious fact that if any were still locked up, they'd probably be past the point of help).

She grunted, watching as Miko opened up that suture kit now. "It doesn't need stitches."

The other woman rolled her eyes. "You know, your lies are a lot less believable when you're in pain."

Magna huffed but knew it wasn't worth denying. "Do you even know how to do this?"

"I've been knitting and sewing since I was eight." She hesitated. "Can't be much more difficult than putting together a quilt by hand." There was a definite undercurrent of false bravado in her tone.

Magna glared. "My hand is not a fucking quilt."

She snorted. "Well, that's true at least. My quilt never talked back." Seeing the still blatant reluctance in her face, she frowned, features softening. "I promise I'll be careful. I won't fuck up your hand."

How to tell Miko that she didn't care about her stupid hand, at least not in the way that she was thinking? That the stitches themselves were barely a thought in her head? Rather, her mind was playing through all the chances the other woman was about to have to look at her hand, to stare.

It was stupid. She knew Miko was aware of the tattoo, had seen it before.

But she'd never been given the opportunity to really _look._ Magna hadn't given her the chance.

It just. . . it wasn't for other people to see. To judge. To form opinions on.

It was hers.

Kind of the only thing in the world that really was.

Magna watched warily as Miko pulled out a small bottle of disinfectant and opened up the box of sutures. "Have you ever actually done this before?"

"Nope." Miko didn't look up from her task. "I did stitch one of my dolls back together after the dog tried to eat it. Looked good as new." That was hardly encouraging. "And I watched a youtube tutorial once when I was bored. But I, uh, had to stop halfway through because I kept picturing all the blood that would have been there if it was real. . ."

Even less encouraging.

"Great. So I'm like your test dummy."

Miko looked up with narrowed eyes. "Would you rather I let you bleed out?" Magna opened her mouth- "Don't answer that. Of course, you would." She snorted, shaking her head.

She watched as Miko went about sterilizing the needle and thread, willing the process to take as long as possible, to delay the inevitable.

She wanted to run. But there was nowhere to go.

Or, there was, but going anywhere meant leaving Miko.

And as scared as she was of whatever came next, that was one thing she was unwilling to do.

Clenching her jaw, she readied herself for the other woman's approach.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that was the last chapter mostly made up of internal monologue, promise. The rest is yumagna interaction.
> 
> So what do you think? I really appreciate your feedback so much
> 
> Also I won't be posting a new chapter every day but I had this one close to finished already.


	3. A Distraction From Everything

_**Trigger Warning: mention of past child abuse** _

* * *

**Past**

Magna raised an eyebrow as Miko unwrapped the shirt from her hand, searching her mind for some form of distraction. "So. Knitting?"

The older woman eyed her suspiciously. "Don't judge. it's actually a very relaxing pastime."

Maybe. But it sounded boring as fuck. "For a _kid_?"

"I'll have you know that I knew quite a few kids who knitted, that's how I picked it up."

"What kid fucking _knits_?"

Miko scowled and poured some of the disinfectant over her hand. The younger woman hissed, jerking back. "Jesus fuck, Miko! Was that really necessary?"

She smiled. "Yes. Wouldn't want you to catch an infection, now would we?"

Magna glared, not liking the self-satisfied smirk on the other woman's face as she soaked a cotton ball in yet more disinfectant before applying it to the wound. This time, she was determined not to make a sound, though she couldn't help but flinch slightly at the sting.

She opened her mouth, something snarky and even a little venomous already forming on her tongue-

"And if you keep judging me for my knitting past, I'll start interrogating you about that time you were a girl scout."

Her mouth slammed shut and Miko snorted.

"Thought so." She went about cleaning the wound with due diligence, grimacing at how quickly the cotton turned completely red. She hesitated before retrieving another one and continuing the process. "I needed the distraction."

"What?"

"The knitting," Miko murmured, entirely focused on her task. "It was a good distraction. And I needed it at the time."

Magna frowned, opened her mouth to ask why but paused, taking in the sudden crease to Miko's brow, the tension in the lines of her face. She knew if she asked, the other woman would answer - honestly. She was always honest. Excessively so. It got on her nerves. Stoked that ever-present guilt sleeping in her chest. But she knew from experience that a willingness to answer didn't always mean a desire to. And considering how much she hated people prying information out of _her_ , forcing it out in some cases, she didn't want to do the same to Miko.

She stayed silent for a time, considering her next move. "My aunt tried to get me into knitting. I never had the patience for it. And I kept imagining stabbing her with the knitting needles the entire time - was kind of distracting."

And tempting.

Miko let out a surprised laugh. "I'll bet."

"Yeah, I think she picked up on it, too, cos she didn't try for very long. _And_ she started hiding the knitting needles after that."

She didn't like talking about her family, but it was worth it to see the grin pulling at Miko's face as she shook her head. "You really were a terror."

She didn't say it the way others might have. The way others _had._ Like an insult. Like this was yet another thing Magna had to feel ashamed of, to repent for. Like a judgment.

She said it like she _liked_ that part of Magna. Like it was good.

Yumiko was strange in that way.

She cleared her throat, wishing she could move her hands to fiddle with something, to rid herself of this strange feeling bubbling up inside of her.

She needed something to do.

She needed her _own_ distraction.

And she wasn't going to find it in a pair of knitting needles.

Especially since Miko seemed to be done with the cleaning part of playing doctor and she could no longer count on the pain of that to hold her attention.

She frowned, watching as the other woman started to thread a needle - promising a new kind of pain.

This really didn't seem safe.

"I would just like to remind you that this was your brilliant idea. I feel like that needs to be said," she grumbled, glaring at the needle as it approached her unprotected skin.

"Stitching you up?" Miko raised an eyebrow. "That was indeed my brilliant idea. And you'll thank me later for it when you don't pass out from blood loss on the way out of this place."

Magna rolled her eyes. "Not the stitches. Which, are unnecessary by the way, just so you know." Miko just shook her head with a smile, clearly not believing her. Wise. It was straight-up bullshit. Magna had needed stitches enough times in her life to recognize that she most definitely needed them now. But she'd rather have risked fainting if it meant escaping this situation, escaping Miko's touch. "But, no, I meant breaking into this place. I _told_ you it would be dangerous."

"And _I_ told you that we needed the medical supplies." She carefully removed the remaining cotton ball from Magna's skin, nodding her head at the pretty grizzly sight beneath. " _Clearly_."

She stared at Miko incredulously. "I wouldn't fucking _need_ to be stitched up if we hadn't come in here in the first place."

"So, you admit, you need to be stitched up." Fucking hell, the bitch was smirking.

"Fuck you."

The smirk grew. "Sound rebuttal."

Magna huffed, resisting the urge to wince as Miko chose that moment to poke the needle through her skin. Bitch. "Don't think I don't know that the real reason you suggested this was just so you could save the fucking animals."

"I admit nothing."

The other woman had been almost jumping for joy to discover that, by some miracle, there _were_ still living animals inside the clinic in need of help.

Magna would never admit it, especially not out loud, but the smile that had come over Miko's face then had been worth the whole trip, even worth nearly carving her hand up like some bloody thanksgiving turkey.

She hadn't seen Miko smile since the day this all started.

She'd missed it. Hadn't realized how much she'd come to expect it, to rely on it even.

The world wasn't right when Miko wasn't smiling.

The lawyer's smirk faltered slightly as she threaded the needle through once more, grimacing. But at least some of the color had returned to her cheeks so she probably wasn't in danger of passing out or throwing up anymore. Beneath her irritation, Magna felt relief at that. She didn't like making the other woman uncomfortable. Not for her sake.

Well, not anymore. There'd been a rocky patch at the beginning of their friendship - which hadn't really been a friendship yet, or at least not to Magna's knowledge - where she'd been doing everything in her power _to_ make Yumiko uncomfortable. Scare her, anger her. Anything to make her show her true colors, her true intentions.

Make her give up and leave.

But the lawyer hadn't taken the bait.

Her patience had grown thin a few times but she'd swallowed back her frustration at her client's behavior and pressed on.

That had unsettled Magna, even as it impressed her slightly.

Still hadn't earned her trust, though.

She was somewhat nauseated to realize, however, that Miko was certainly making progress on that last front. That, despite Magna's best efforts, she was almost all the way to trusting her. Not quite there yet, she'd managed to keep a few walls up even after three years, but she could feel the fragility of them, how close they were to crumbling.

She wasn't prepared for that to happen.

Not yet.

Maybe not ever.

But she was beginning to understand that it probably didn't even fucking matter. That as much as she'd like to believe she had some control over the process, in the end, there was little she could do to keep Yumiko out - none of her efforts had worked so far.

And, worse than that, there was a part of her that didn't _want_ to keep the other woman out.

That wanted to trust her almost as much as, or maybe even more than, Miko wanted to be trusted.

_Fuck._

She was so screwed.

"You know, I could probably check to see if there's something to numb the pain. Maybe they have some topical anesthesia."

She blinked, realizing suddenly that Miko had paused in what she was doing, was in fact eying her with renewed concern.

Shit.

Her face must have betrayed her emotions, though luckily the other woman had drawn her own - false - conclusions about the cause.

Magna shook her head. "It's fine." She managed a small smirk. "I'd probably just bleed out in the time it took to find any."

Miko didn't seem to appreciate the humor. "Are you sure?"

She transformed the smirk into an easy smile, filling her face with a confidence her shaky nerves didn't feel. "Not like I can't handle a little pain." She hadn't appreciated that lesson from her father as much as the wood carving, but it had stayed with her just the same. "This wouldn't be the first time I've had to get stitches without any anesthesia, anyway. I can handle it."

She'd meant the words to comfort the other woman but they had the opposite effect. "What do you mean?"

She shifted uneasily under Miko's wide eyes, wishing she'd just return to the damn stitching already. "Doctors are expensive. Too expensive to cover the number of times my father lost his temper, at any rate." She shrugged. "My mum improvised."

Miko cursed under her breath but, mercifully, returned to playing doctor. "I hate the way you say stuff like that."

Magna tried not to stiffen, instead raised an eyebrow, voice deceptively nonchalant. "And how is that?"

The lawyer shook her head, looking angry as she nudged the needle back under Magna's skin, which was fucking crazy. She was certain she hadn't done anything to piss her off, she'd actually been pretty well-behaved considering her hand was looking like a horror show and it was all thanks to Yumiko's grand fucking idea. "Like it doesn't matter."

Magna frowned at the words, surprise and confusion evaporating the irritation. She opened her mouth to protest, or at least say something, but found only empty space inside her head where words should be. She closed it, looked away, wishing she hadn't said anything to begin with.

This was what happened when you shared information.

Someone always had an opinion.

A judgment.

And all too often, an overreaction.

She avoided looking at Miko's face for the next minute or so, in case she found it riddled with pity.

She couldn't take that right now.

Not from Miko.

"It is what it is," she said finally. "And I can say it however I want to say it." She turned her head back, gaze burning as she dared the other woman to challenge that.

Miko sighed, closed her eyes, clearly frustrated with herself - or Magna - or maybe just the situation. If her hands hadn't been so vitally occupied, she looked like she might have thrown them up in the air. "That's not what I meant. It just. . ." Another sigh. "That shouldn't have happened. I hate that it happened."

Magna stared, confusion returning. "But it did. And a long fucking time ago, too. It's not a big deal." She hesitated, taking a risk and going for one last stroke of honesty. "I don't want you to _make_ it a big deal." Her prison therapist had always said she needed to work on her communication skills. Tell people how she felt, rather than instantly jumping to biting their heads off.

She would have been proud at this small moment of progress, considering Magna hadn't made any in the time she'd been seeing her.

At least, she thought it was progress.

Some of the frustration was fading from Miko's face now, replaced with understanding, so that had to count for some kind of progress, right?

"Alright," she said after a moment. "I won't." Magna didn't miss the reluctance hiding behind her gaze and she suspected that Miko was probably going to have trouble holding to that promise, but she appreciated it nonetheless.

"Alright."

The other woman sighed. "I'm sorry. I wasn't trying to make you uncomfortable. I like it when you tell me stuff like that." She frowned, suddenly. "Well, 'like' probably isn't the word for it. But I appreciate it."

That had to be right up there with the weirdest thing she'd ever heard. "Why?"

"Because I know you don't like to talk about it. So it means something that you would trust me with it. And. . . I want to know everything."

Magna frowned. "Everything. . .?"

"About you. Or as much as you're willing to give, at any rate."

Well that was somewhat terrifying.

Most people didn't want to know _anything_ about her, let alone everything.

Or, well, that wasn't exactly true.

People wanted to know things. They wanted to know a lot. But only so they could use that information against Magna. Judge her. Weaponise it. Or simply confirm their already bitter assumptions.

When a person wanted to know something about her, it was a warning.

This didn't feel like a warning, though.

She didn't know what it felt like.

Only that it was different.

 _Miko_ was different.

But Magna didn't believe for a second that she would still be by her side if she ever found out what that 'everything' entailed.

It was a wonder she was still by her side now.

No way in hell she was going to push her luck.

She was smarter than that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I used to do knitting and cross-stitch for fun as a kid, please don't judge me.
> 
> Also, do not, I repeat DO NOT try this at home. Stitching yourself up without the proper medical tools and knowledge can be dangerous, resulting in infection or permanent damage. Magna and Yumiko are making do with what they have available to them and generally stitching is safer than cauterizing a wound because there's a lower chance of infection. You CAN survive without getting stitches, it's just not recommended. The healing process will be a lot slower, there's a greater risk of infection and it will likely cause more significant scarring. But that can be safer than playing doctor on yourself and hoping for the best. However, in Yumiko and Magna's situation, waiting for a cut to heal in way that could take months, is not practical when you might be fighting for your life on a day to day basis.
> 
> Also, I really appreciate when you guys give me feedback. It helps me stay motivated to keep writing :)
> 
> also come find me on insta (yumagnas.home) or twitter (tocaritas) :)


	4. She Won't Forsake Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guys, sorry this is such a short chapter. The next one is much longer, promise! Originally I wrote this as it's own standalone drabble after 10.12 aired but I wasn't sure whether to post it or not but I decided to work it into this fic.
> 
> What did you think of the final? Needed more Magna and Miko in my opinion lol, but Nadia's acting during the horde scene was so good. And Connie's back! Would have loved to see more interaction between Kelly and Magna, though, we never got to see them reunite after the cave.
> 
> So this chapter is set in 10.12. The chapter after it returns to the flashback, and then jumps to 10.14

**Present**

Yumiko snorted suddenly, interrupting the spiraling mess her thoughts had become.

Magna frowned, looking up from where she'd been staring at the circles the other woman traced into her hand, over the dots that would never fade away. "What?"

Miko smiled, the expression faint but still visible in the moonlight. "I was just thinking about that truck stop. How the manager would play Robbie Williams 24/7. Refused to play anything else, no matter how many times the customers complained. I don't think I've ever seen you so pissed."

Magna's eyes rolled back into her skull at the memory. "God, he was _obsessed_. I think if I heard 'Angels' one more time, I might have killed someone." The words were out of her mouth before she could think better of them and she had the sudden vivid memory of knocking a glass of milk onto the floor, watching the creamy liquid fan out and closing her eyes against the thundering sound of her father's voice as he approached. There'd been no reversing the path of destruction that milk was set on and she felt as helpless then as she did now, wishing she could cram the words back into her mouth.

She looked back down at their hands, watching as that steady pattern stuttered to a halt and Miko grew stiff under her.

_Fuck._

Her and her damn mouth.

She was sure half the trouble she'd ever gotten into in her life could have been prevented if she'd just never learnt to speak.

Magna held her breath, waiting for it to happen, for Miko to pull away, for her to finally realize just _who_ she had wrapped in her arms. A woman who could not only commit murder but joke about it in spite of the fact.

Because Miko could suppress that knowledge all she wanted but at the end of the day it was still there between them, it always would be now. And she might even say that she understood, that she forgave Magna, but she _knew_ Miko; and she didn't think this was something she could ever understand or forgive.

But the seconds passed into minutes and nothing changed. The silence between them was tense, the body beneath Magna's stiffer than it had been all night, but she didn't push her off, didn't pull away. Not even an inch.

One hand remained firm over hers whilst the other continued to stroke through her hair in a determined rhythm.

One. Two. Three.

Magna counted out her breaths to the strokes.

One. Two. Three.

Until eventually her body began to relax again as slowly the realization sank in - Yumiko wasn't going to pull away.

Then she spoke.

"Well, at least you know a badass lawyer." The tone tried for playful, didn't quite make it and Magna winced.

"Sorry," she breathed after a moment, once she thought it was safe to break the silence.

The strokes faltered in their rhythm before returning to their gentle pace almost instantly. Miko's tone was careful when she responded, weighing out each word in the way Magna hadn't, the way she never seemed to be able to. "I'm not going to lie - it's going to take some getting used to."

Magna hesitated. "Do you think it's something you can?" Once again, she wished she could snatch the words back. She didn't want the answer to that, not when she was already so sure of what it would be.

Not when she'd just started to let herself get used to this again, used to _them_.

". . . I don't know," Miko exhaled. "It's more than just . . . what you did. There's a lot of memories I need to reexamine, to sort back into making sense. Thirteen years is a long time for a lie to survive." She was right. And Magna felt that familiar guilt seep in, running over her anxiety and swallowing her whole.

She'd never meant to hurt Miko.

Had never _wanted_ to lie to her.

But she had. And there was no undoing that, no tiptoeing around the fact.

She'd hurt the only person who'd ever taken a chance on her.

Sensing Magna growing harder and harder on top of her, Miko extracted her hand from her hair so she could give her shoulder a firm squeeze. "But I'm not going anywhere. I realized something whilst you were gone."

Magna listened to the sound of the heart beneath her, steadying herself against its sure beat. "What's that?"

"I don't think either of us could get rid of the other, even if we tried. And I don't want to. I won't ever want to."

Magna's heart pounded inside her chest at the declaration, her hand trembling within Miko's, the air growing tight in her lungs.

"So try to remember that, the next time you get it in your head to make me leave, okay?" Craning her neck, Miko pressed a kiss into her hair, lingering for a moment as Magna closed her eyes against the sensation, letting it wash over her, to clean away all the anger and doubt that had clung to her for so long. "Do you think you can do that for me?"

She didn't even need to consider it.

"Yeah." Nodding, Magna nestled closer into Miko's embrace, almost as if she could disappear into the warmth and comfort of her touch. Leave the darkness and the horrors of the outside world behind and just _be._ Alone, with Miko, forever. Safe. Loved. Two things that she had never thought possible for her, or that she even had a right to. "Yeah, I can do that."

"Good," and the other woman sighed, closing her eyes at last. "That's good."

She had just started to drift off when a humming reached her ears. Magna's eyes snapped open. " _Don't you dare._ I'll scream. I don't care if it brings an army of sickos down on us."

Miko's laughter chased her into sleep and, although the nightmares still rose up to greet her, she wasn't alone when she broke the surface of consciousness. Miko was there, her hand over hers, her voice in her ear, soothing away the terror.

She wasn't alone.

Maybe she never would be again.

_. . ._

_'And through it all she offers me protection_   
_A lot of love and affection_   
_Whether I'm right or wrong_   
_And down the waterfall_   
_Wherever it may take me_   
_I know that life won't break me_   
_When I come to call, she won't forsake me_   
_I'm loving angels instead...'_

_\- Angels by Robbie Williams_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this chapter only came into being because I was thinking about yumagna one day when this song started playing on tv lol.


	5. If You Knew The Truth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so the present scene takes place in 10.14 when they're sitting on the deck at the safe house. Only, Miko doesn't leave in this universe. I don't have any plans to include the commonwealth storyline (mostly because I've written the drafts for a bunch of fics before that really became a thing on the show, so I'd have to change too much). But who knows what will happen after I watch s11. I might include that into this universe or do a standalone fic that follows canon.

_**Past** _

Searching around for a new topic of conversation, something that would steer them away from the dangerous shallows they'd just wandered into, a glint of metal caught Magna's attention. Perfect.

She nodded her head at the necklace abandoned on the counter. It was covered in blood and brain matter, not looking nearly as pretty as the day she'd bought it. "I told you it'd come in handy."

There'd been three sickos, one of them had been taken out by the kitchen knife Magna had been toting around with her (she hadn't had time to extract her buckle knife in the frenzy) and another by that fucking piece of glass.

But Miko had dealt with one all on her own. Which was pretty impressive considering she'd never fought a day in her life before all this.

She'd used her own kitchen knife and, when that had failed, shoved the sharp end of the necklace into the thing's brain. But that was when the third bastard had got the drop on her.

Magna's heart had damn near jumped out of the protective casing of her chest when she'd seen the other woman fall under its weight.

She didn't want to think about what might have happened if she hadn't gotten there in time.

Miko raised an eyebrow, needle poised at the ready. "I hardly think you had the end of the world in mind when you got it for me."

She didn't think _anyone_ had the end of the world in mind before it actually happened. At least, not this kind of ending. Who the fuck could predict that the dead were gonna rise up and destroy the planet?

It was like something out of a bad comic book.

Still, she pretended at indignance. "You don't know that. I've been told I'm pretty paranoid, maybe I was planning for this."

Miko smiled lopsidedly. "Well, the paranoid part I can agree with. Your powers of foresight? Not so much."

Magna frowned in mock offense.

The other woman wasn't swayed. "I still don't approve of you getting it for me, by the way."

She rolled her eyes, remembering the exasperated look on the lawyer's face when she'd dumped the necklace on her lap. "Didn't stop you wearing it every day."

"Because I thought that the intention was sweet, even if the act itself was vaguely terrifying."

Magna wrinkled her nose. "'Sweet'?"

Miko smirked a little, tying off the thread. "Mm. Enough to rot teeth."

She huffed. "It wasn't sweet. It was practical. A guy tried to _strangle you_ , Miko, like fuck I was going to let you keep going to work unprotected." Magna had lost her shit when she'd found out and strongly considered doing something that would get her sent back to prison.

The necklace was a compromise.

Miko just shook her head, smiling slightly as she started cleaning the remaining blood off Magna's hand. "See, sweet." Predicting the already coming protest, "also unnecessary. I got a taser that week. You even went shopping for it with me."

"Tasers aren't always effective." Magna may have failed school but she knew her way around weapons. Prison had educated her in that, if nothing else. Her fellow inmates had had a lot of opinions and whilst she hadn't been one to engage in many - or any - conversations, she'd overheard more than enough shit. "Knives are simple. You just stab." At least, in her experience. "Besides, the necklace is more concealable. And it matched your feather collection."

She wasn't about to admit that it had been the feather design that drew her to it in the first place. That it had immediately made her think of Miko and, even though there had been other - less expensive - knives that were more practical, she'd blown her whole budget on that one.

Because it was Miko.

And she deserved it.

She deserved a hell of a lot more than Magna could give.

But this, at least, was something she could.

"I wouldn't really call it a collection," Miko muttered.

"You had a box of like fifty feathers, Miko, what else would you call it?"

She looked mildly embarrassed, but apparently not enough to resist correcting her. "Sixty-nine."

Magna snorted. " _Sixty-nine_?"

Miko narrowed her eyes, warningly. "It's a lucky number, alright?"

The ex-con's face took on a shit-eating grin. "Yeah it is," she sang, waggling her eyebrows and enjoying the way the blush rose in the lawyer's cheeks.

Miko rolled her eyes, reaching once more for the bottle of antiseptic. "God, you're such a child."

Magna was too busy laughing to notice her actions until she felt the sting. "Hey!" Hissing, she jerked back. "You already did that!"

The older woman just shrugged. "Missed a spot."

"Like hell you did." Magna cradled the stricken appendage to her chest, fixing her with a look of betrayal.

Miko just grinned. "You're cute when you pout."

Magna stared at her in disbelief. "This isn't a pout, this is an I'm-gonna-fucking-kill-you glare."

The other woman just shook her head, laughing silently as she reached for a roll of bandages.

"I don't _pout_ , Miko." She meant for her voice to sound angry but it came out more whiny than anything else. What the fuck?

It had to be the blood loss.

Obviously.

And maybe that was the culprit for whatever was happening with her face, too. Like, it made her muscles less fierce or something?

That was the only explanation for what Miko had _mistaken_ for a pout.

Yumiko ignored this, wrapping the bandage carefully but quickly around her hand. She was about to warn her not to do it too tight, or too loose, but found the fit felt surprisingly right. Maybe Miko's mother had shown her how to do this once or twice. That woman _had_ liked to be prepared for every occasion - if anyone had had a chance of foreseeing this Apocolypse, it was her.

Didn't look like it had done her any favors in the end, though.

Magna retreated sharply from that thought.

She'd _liked_ Miko's mum. And, far more shockingly, _she_ _'d_ seemed to like _Magna._

She could count on less than half a hand the number of parents she could say that about.

"I don't pout," she repeated stubbornly.

"You do. And I accept this about you." Miko leveled her with a mock serious look. "Now I think it's time that you accepted yourself." The tiny smile teasing at her lips betrayed the false gravity of her tone but Magna still stiffened slightly, the words shaking her in a way she knew the other woman hadn't intended them to.

Miko seized this moment of momentary speechlessness to raise the back of her newly bandaged hand to her lips, pressing a quick but firm kiss against the skin, complete with a comical smacking noise for emphasis. Magna flinched, eyes wide as she stared at the other woman, hand burning even after she had brought her lips away.

"There. All better."

Magna shivered in the aftermath of the touch, insides turning frantically, and she couldn't tell if it was from anxiety or pleasure.

She hadn't missed the precise location of the kiss, either. The way the skin of her tattoo still tingled from the unexpected - and maybe not entirely unwelcome - touch. What the fuck?

The older woman wasn't oblivious to the reaction but looked more amused than anything by it. "Well, at least now I know how to shut you up."

Something Magna had realized within a few months of knowing her, and something that had only become more apparent in the time since: Miko was kind of an asshole.

"Ha ha." She narrowed her eyes. "Did you seriously just try to kiss it better? What are we trapped in a hallmark movie or something?" she stumbled through the sentence, praying that it possessed an air of nonchalance she didn't feel.

Miko rolled her eyes, though Magna didn't miss the reluctant smile she let slip. "I think the sickos are a pretty good indicator that we're not."

"Yeah, well," Magna grumbled, growing increasingly uncomfortable with the churning extravaganza her insides were partaking in. "It failed. It's not all fucking better. Pretty sure I still have a massive as fuck cut on my hand."

Miko narrowed her eyes playfully. "Quiet you."

If she noticed the disarray Magna's thoughts and feelings were currently in, she didn't let on. That was one silver lining to this day.

She tried to remember the last time someone had been so carelessly affectionate with her, so gentle.

Before prison, before Maisie had-

Well, the kid had always been the one to do that shit in the past - little touches, kisses on the cheek, hugs. She'd been so easy with her love. Like she didn't even have to think about it. Like it was natural.

Magna had never understood that. Didn't stop her from soaking up every ounce of it, though. So aware of it, she'd noticed immediately when everything had changed. Maisie's careless affection had started to disappear long before she had.

What had their last touch been?

A kiss? A hug?

It hurt to realize that she couldn't pinpoint a precise moment, that her memory eluded her.

She wondered what else she'd forgotten. What other pieces of Maisie were permanently lost to her.

Lost in her thoughts, she didn't realize Miko was reaching for her hand again before it was in her grasp.

Magna stiffened, breath catching when she saw the knowing glint in the other woman's eyes. But she did nothing more than inspect it for further damage - like she hadn't already seen all there was to see - and Magna wondered if she wasn't just looking for an excuse to hold it. Which was weird. Why would anyone want to hold her hand?

Her cheeks felt hot, and some of the uneasiness in her stomach was turning into anger. Not at Miko but herself. For being so fucking dramatic. It was just a touch. Just someone holding her hand.

People did that. It was nothing.

But her heart raced and there was the definite feeling of bile building up in her throat. Yet, at the same time, she felt almost buzzed. Like a pleasant kind of buzzed.

It was weird.

And confusing.

But she resisted the urge to pull her hand free. She didn't want to alert Miko to the chaotic emotions whirling inside her, to make a big deal out of this. Not to mention it would be pretty fucking weak to fail to do something as simple as holding someone's hand.

She wasn't weak. Refused to be.

Weak people got hurt.

Weak people got _other_ people hurt.

That wasn't her. That would never be her again.

When Miko's thumb started running over those dots, though, she found she couldn't breathe. She waited for the other woman to take a closer look at them, for her mouth to twist in disgust or, worse, for her to jerk away. But that wasn't really _Miko._ If she felt any disgust, she'd hide it away to protect Magna's feelings.

That didn't make her feel any better. It actually made her feel worse.

Made the thoughts in her head grow into an anxious storm.

But the touch continued. Almost casual in its simplicity. Gentle strokes over those dots, like they were anything other than what they were. She wondered if this was calculated on Miko's part. If she wasn't trying to desensitize her to the action or some shit.

She didn't understand it.

But, against her will, as the minutes passed, something tight inside her began to uncoil. She held herself a little less stiffly and, second by second, her breaths started to steady.

The moment the muscles in her hand began to relax, Miko smiled.

Fuck. So she had been aware.

The flush under her skin grew hotter and she resisted the urge to squirm away. This was so fucking humiliating.

Studying her face, Miko frowned. She pressed her thumb into the tattoo and Magna's muscles locked up.

This was it.

"This doesn't define you, you know."

Cheeks burning, Magna couldn't throw off the impulse any longer. She pulled her hand free, shifting away from the other woman uncomfortably, trying not to see the way her face fell at the action. "It's a stupid tattoo. Of course it doesn't define me."

Miko sighed. "I meant what it represents. You went to prison, Magna. But that's not the start and end of your story. It's only a small part."

"Pretty significant part," she grumbled. This wasn't what she'd been expecting. Somehow that made it worse. She could take Miko judging her. It would hurt like a mother fucker but she could take it. She had enough practice in that department for it to be second nature by now.

But this?

She didn't know what to do with this.

Reassurance. Understanding.

It made her skin feel hot and sweaty and she crossed her arms, hiding the offending appendage away.

She didn't _deserve_ this.

And she wouldn't be getting it either, if Miko knew the truth.

"It only has as much significance as you let it," Miko retorted and when Magna shook her head, some of the patience slipped from her tone.

"I mean, look at us, Magna, look at the _world_. Do you really think a few years in prison means anything anymore? _I_ don't care. I never have. And now the rest of the world's too dead to care, either."

And the look in her eyes was so honest, so fucking genuine that Magna had to look away.

She believed what she was saying.

Magna couldn't.

"It's not that simple." Miko didn't _know._ She didn't know what Magna had done. If she did, she wouldn't be saying any of this. If she did, she wouldn't be here right now.

Miko's hands flopped down by her sides, frustration falling away into weariness. "Maybe. Maybe not. But it's that simple to me. So don't _hide_ it from me. Any of it. You don't need to."

Magna smiled bitterly, gaze trailing away. "If you only knew."

"Then _tell_ me. Whatever it is that's so bad that you think it could somehow matter more than all the shit we've been through together. The thing that makes you want to risk bleeding out rather than let me help you. Just _tell me_." There was a growing anger fueled by desperation in Miko's eyes as she took a step closer to Magna, passion leaking from her words. She was frustrated. That much was obvious. Probably thought Magna was making a big deal out of nothing, that whatever it was she couldn't bring herself to say wouldn't change a thing between them, couldn't change Miko's view of her.

But it would.

Of course, it fucking would.

Miko just believed in her too much to entertain that possibility.

The one person in the world who believed in her and Magna had fucked it up before that belief had even formed. Fucked everything up.

She'd dug herself a hole without even realizing and now she was too much of a coward to pull herself out of it.

" _Magna._ "

She swallowed and looked away, hardening her jaw. It saved her from having to see the disappointment on the other woman's face when she refused to answer.

This was the last time she ever grabbed a piece of glass with her bare hands.

* * *

_**Present** _

"Do you remember that day we broke into the vets? And I sliced up my hand?" the words were out of Magna's mouth before she could stop them and she frowned a little, eyes straying down to the hard wood of the deck beneath her fingers.

Miko nodded, expression curious, unguarded. A sure sign that she had no idea what was coming. That she hadn't yet put the pieces together. "I remember you frustrating the hell out of me that day by fighting me every step of the way through patching up said hand, if that's what you mean."

Magna huffed. "Sorry if I wasn't exactly eager to let you play out whatever doctor fantasies you had on me."

Miko bit her lip on a smile. "Hmm, funnily enough, making sure you didn't die from blood loss whilst doing my best not to throw up didn't feature into any of the 'doctor fantasies' I was having about you."

She snorted, but was unable to help the slight upward curve of her lips. "Considering you once said doctors give you the 'heebie jeebies', I really doubt any of your fantasies about me involved being one."

The other woman grinned secretly, folding her hands over her knees as she leant back against the post. "You never know. I might have made an exception for someone as special as you." Magna rolled her eyes. "But I guess that will have to be a conversation for another time since I have the feeling you were trying to start a talk about something a little more serious than this."

The humor fled Magna immediately and she shifted uncomfortably, already regretting raising the subject. "I guess."

Miko watched her thoughtfully for a moment. "So talk."

She had to look away a moment, reminding herself of the promise she'd made to be more open. To _talk_. "Remember that argument we had?" The other woman frowned, trying to bring up the memory and, needing to get it over with, unable to stand the wait, Magna held up her hand. "About this."

That frown intensified. "The cut? I wouldn't exactly call it an argument. More like you annoying the shit out of me."

"Hey, you're the one who got a little too enthusiastic with the antiseptic," Magna retorted, her own frown coming into play.

Miko merely smiled serenely. "Just watching out for you, babe. Couldn't risk you getting an infection."

She rolled her eyes. "Yeah, sure." Miko could be downright sadistic when she wanted to be. She huffed but let the subject drop. "No, I meant my tattoo."

Apparently, that was all she needed to say because understanding dawned in the other woman's eyes a second later. Maybe she should have just skipped right to that. Though, maybe she'd also been procrastinating, delaying the inevitable.

That understanding went through several shades as Miko started to put the pieces together. Watching that speedy - and inevitable - progression, Magna sighed and nodded. "Yeah. That."

Miko refocused on her, opened her mouth, shut it again, frowned. Sighing, she slumped back further against the post. For a time, she said nothing at all.

The silence ate away at Magna's already fraying nerves and she clenched her hands at her sides, unclenched them. Repeated the process several times as she waited for Miko to finally speak.

By the time she did, the insides of her palms were starting to sting from the repeated attack of her nails.

She made herself stop, knew that that was a slippery slope to step back onto.

"That argument confused me so much for years," Miko murmured, frowning as she gazed up at the sky. "I can't believe I forgot about it. I knew you were hiding something from me, that you were ashamed of something - or scared, I don't know. But I never thought. . ."

Magna looked down. "Yeah."

Miko's frown intensified, turning that over in her head as she faced her once more. "How close did you come to telling me that day?"

She snorted, shook her head. "Not as close as I'd like." She kept her head down, angrily picking flecks of dried mud and blood off her pants. There'd been other moments throughout the years where she'd come a lot closer, but this one always stood out the most in her memory. Because it was the only time Miko had actually _asked_ , demanded that secret of her - even if she had no idea what it was. "I was too fucking scared. And weak." She swallowed. "I knew it was wrong. Hated keeping it from you but I. . ." A thousand reasons and excuses ran through her head. None of them were adequate. None of them were worth a shit now. She sighed. "You were the only person in my life who believed in me, cared about me. I didn't want to lose that."

It was selfish. But Magna had never claimed to be anything else.

Miko sighed and, knowing she couldn't hide forever, Magna chanced a glance up.

The other woman didn't look angry. Which was something, at least.

Mostly, she just looked tired.

Magna could relate to that. It was why they were having this conversation in the first place. Why she'd even told Miko the truth all those nights ago to begin with. She was tired of hiding. She couldn't do it anymore. And she couldn't keep putting Miko through it, either.

That meant all cards on the table.

Or as many of them as Magna could stomach for now.

She wasn't sure there was a table large enough for all the cards she had. But the ones to do with Miko, those ones she had to set down.

Set them down or walk away.

And she had already decided that she wasn't going to walk away. Was never going to walk away. Not again.

"You wouldn't have." Seeing Magna's confused frown, Miko shrugged her shoulders before going on to elaborate. "You wouldn't have lost me."

"Yeah. Right." She snorted, looked away. Thirteen years of friendship kept Yumiko shackled to her now. She wasn't naive enough to believe that three years could have done the same, especially when they'd really only been real friends - outside the walls of prison - for just over one of those.

"Magna," Miko sighed. She hesitated, as if searching for the right words. "You had me from the moment you met me. You were never going to lose me."

She wanted to believe that, she really did. And maybe it was genuinely something _Miko_ believed. But Magna could remember what she'd been like when they first met and she knew there was nothing there worth keeping, nothing worth holding onto.

Miko had grown to love her, yes. _That_ she could believe.

But back then? The only thing that convinced her to stay was the mistaken idea that she was innocent. The supposed injustice of it all.

Miko liked to help people.

And Magna had needed help.

There was nothing more to it than that.

And maybe, by the time the world turned on them, she'd have cared about Magna enough to stick around, even if she'd learned the truth. Maybe. She wasn't sure. More likely, she would have stayed out of fear and perhaps even loneliness. The world had gone to shit, safety was an illusion of yesterday, and there was no-one else. No-one else to keep Miko company, no-one else from her old life still kicking, no-one else to help fight away the monsters.

She would have stayed with Magna out of necessity. Not love.

And Magna would have latched onto her. Would have cried in relief at the fact.

But inside, deep bellow the surface, the knowledge would have slowly eaten away at her, sewn a seed of decay that would have eventually devoured her.

It would have broken her heart.

But if Miko wanted to believe differently, wanted to concoct some false narrative of what better life the two of them might have had, then Magna would let her have the fantasy. She'd hurt Miko too much already to ruin it.

* * *

_“But you’ve listened to many lies that you couldn’t believe the few truths you are told anymore ..”_

_― Samiha Totanji_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> look, self-esteem is one of those things that, once it's wrecked, takes a long time and a lot of work to heal, if it ever does. I've been trying to get my own back for over a decade and every time I feel like I'm making progress, I slide back down. So it's going to take a while for Magna to heal hers. This is an issue that is going to pop up throughout my fics because as much as I'd like to just have Miko say 'hey, you're great' and for Magna to hear that and accept it and for everything to be okay, life doesn't work like that. People say good things about me all the time but I don't believe them. Or I do and then later I'll stop believing. So if it feels like we're getting a little repetitive here, that's why. And whilst I think it's a load of shit that you can't love someone else until you love yourself, I do think loving yourself makes relationships easier. Because you're more willing to accept and believe the love you get from other people. But in no way do you have to love yourself in order to love others. Sometimes it's through loving others that we learn to love ourselves
> 
> So it's possible that Yumiko got her necklace knife and Magna her buckle knife during the years of the Apocalypse, but in this universe because those are both things you can buy, either online or shopping, I decided that Magna got them before the world ended. I'll be writing a little more about it in a later fic but I haven't finished the first draft for those scenes yet so I couldn't include it in this fic.


	6. To Save A Life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (IMPORTANT!) oh my god, I'm such an idiot. I was going through my drafts and I realized that I forgot to post this chapter! So after a minor panic attack, here it is. It takes place between chapters 5 and 6, after Miko asks Magna to tell her the truth and they have a small argument.

_**Past** _

"Thankyou. For saving my life back there. And ruining your hand in the process."

They'd lapsed into silence for a bit, the tension in the air thick whilst Miko went about packing up the first aid kit and tossing the bloody pieces of cotton into the bin - Magna didn't know why she bothered, it wasn't like this place was ever going to be operational again. Plus, the whole clinic looked like a storm had gone through it, anyway, so a couple of contaminated cotton balls were hardly going to matter.

But Miko seemed very intent on her task and she suspected maybe it was a distraction more than anything else. Something to keep her busy. And maybe following the familiar rules of a life that no longer existed calmed her.

Magna could understand that.

The words took her by surprise, though - partly because she hadn't expected Miko to start talking to her again so soon.

Magna frowned. "Of course. What the hell else was I supposed to do? I wasn't about to let that thing turn you into a buffet. And shit like this?" She raised her injured hand, the one that had caused all this drama in the first place. "It's just temporary. Wounds fade, pain fades. Losing you would have been pretty fucking permanent."

Her heart raced just at the thought, at how close they'd come to that.

A stupid cut to her hand was nothing in the face of that nightmarish reality.

Miko smiled slightly. "Is that your way of saying that you haven't grown sick of having me around all the time yet? That you might even _like_ my company?" She squinted her eyes playfully and Magna grumbled, looked away.

"I wouldn't say that."

"Mm. Okay." The growing amusement in her eyes, coupled with the small grin, said she wasn't buying Magna's shit for a second.

Magna smiled despite herself.

She had tried very hard at the beginning of their friendship to convince the other woman that she couldn't care less whether she stuck around or not - in fact, she would much prefer it if she upped and left, never to be seen again.

That bullshit might have worked on others - _had,_ in fact, worked on others - but it was all water off a duck's back when it came to Miko.

She was impervious to it.

Probably the only reason their friendship had survived more than one floundering second in the first place.

Magna knew that _she_ couldn't take the credit for that. She had no idea in hell how to make a friend, let alone keep one. Most days, she had no clue what she was doing, sure as fuck didn't know if she was doing it right.

Friendship was like a whole new continent that she didn't know how to even begin exploring.

Luckily, Miko seemed to.

The other woman walked back towards her, careful not to invade her space too much - as though she knew that was what had started Magna's spiraling before. But, then, Miko was always conscious of that. She was a tactile person but she held that part of herself in check around Magna. She had from the start. It was rare that she tried to take more than Magna was comfortable giving.

"I know you say it's nothing, but I still appreciate it," Miko said. "So thankyou. For saving my life." She rolled her eyes a little at herself. "Again."

Magna shifted, uncomfortable at the praise, and the warmth she could see filling up the other woman's face. It made the memory of their last conversation cut deeper. "Yeah well, it's not as though we're keeping score. But if we _were_ keeping score, I'd have to point out that you kind of saved my life first."

True, the lawyer's actions hadn't been quite so bloody or dramatic, but they were no less significant for it. Magna might not have been about to die, but she certainly hadn't had much of a life left to live. Each day, she'd felt a little more of herself fade away, like she was becoming more of a ghost than an actual human being.

No future. No hope.

Yumiko had given those back to her.

Had given her _life_ back to her.

She would never be able to repay that.

Would never be able to repay anything the other woman had done for her, continued to do for her.

Most days that made her antsy, made her feel like she was suffering under the weight of debt, the sheer amount of undeserved _goodness_ this woman, this friend kept heaping on her, but right now she just felt grateful.

And slightly awed.

But Miko frowned. "And I've told you before that that's not something you need to thank me for. I was doing my job."

Magna scoffed. "You mean the job you never got paid for? The one you told me you were doing pro bono but it turns out your firm doesn't _do_ pro bono work for prisoners? Not that I would have qualified, anyway, even if it did." The chances of an appeal succeeding hadn't been anywhere near high enough to make her case worth taking. Hell, _she_ hadn't even believed she could win. Not for a second.

But Yumiko had.

Belief was kind of her thing, as it turned out.

Miko ducked her head guiltily but Magna leant forward, catching her gaze. "Yeah. I noticed." She'd also had a very interesting conversation with Miss Nakamura one day in the kitchen whilst the woman was showing her how to make _Kasutera._

According to her, Magna didn't eat nearly enough and was likely to starve if the surgeon didn't show her how to feed herself - Miko had said this was just an excuse and that her mother had been looking for a new victim ever since her daughter had forsaken all such lessons after nearly setting the kitchen on fire. Twice. Miss Nakamura had refused to let her into that area of the house, henceforth, and had set her sights on Magna instead.

The ex-con, overwhelmed by the attention, had been helpless to escape her machinations and the cooking lessons had become somewhat of a fortnightly occurrence - much to Miko's amusement.

(Magna was still half-convinced that she'd had a hand in the torture)

It was during one such lesson that Miss Nakamura decided to inform her that she had, apparently, spent the last two years of Magna's incarceration fussing over her daughter. As she told it, said daughter had decided to trade sleep and any ounce of free-time for working on Magna's case during the hours she wasn't at the firm. The doctor had winked at the end of that conversation, though, ignoring Magna's growing horror and imparting a playful 'now I know why' before shoving a slice of the finished _Kasutera_ into her gaping mouth and turning her back to start the dishes.

The occurrence would have been disturbing if it hadn't been so goddamn confusing.

"You never had to do _shit_ for me, Miko," Magna continued, somewhat more passionately. "But you did. So, yeah, I'm gonna save your life. I'm gonna save it as many times as I can."

It was more than that, so much more. Whatever relationship she had with Yumiko had stopped being about debts and gratitude a long time ago.

She was going to save her life because she was _Miko._ Because the thought of waking up in a world that no longer contained the other woman scared the shit out of her, more than the thought of not waking up at all.

She couldn't fucking lose another person that she cared about.

That she-

She couldn't.

But she also couldn't say any of that to Miko, either.

Not yet.

Maybe not ever.

But she _could_ say this.

Hopefully, it was enough.

Apparently not, though, because the older woman was frowning. "Magna, I did that for you because it was the right thing to do. Because I cared about you. And because you didn't deserve to spend the next nineteen years, likely even the rest of your life, rotting away in a cell. You were innocent. Of course, I got you out."

Magna swallowed, a stone the size of a mountain sinking to the bottom of her chest. She felt the weight of it rise up, engulfing her, choking her.

For a moment, she couldn't breathe.

But Miko was still looking at her beseechingly, expression so god damned earnest that it made Magna's stomach twist, made the bile from earlier renew its efforts to climb her throat.

Staying silent wasn't an option, even though the thought of speaking right now seemed even more insurmountable than returning the world back to the way it had been before the walking dead outnumbered the living.

But she was used to pushing through the pain. Through the guilt. She'd been doing it all her life. "Right." She swallowed down the knives pricking at her throat. "Yeah."

She clenched her injured hand a moment, the sudden spike of agony pushing the lump down her throat, making it easier to breathe. "Yeah, thanks."

Miko frowned once more, expression slightly confounded as she studied Magna with narrowed eyes, no doubt alert to the changes in her. She always seemed to be.

Fucking annoying as hell, most of the time.

Like now.

"You alright?"

Magna shrugged, unclenched her hand, clenched it again. "Think I'm just feeling a little lightheaded."

Miko's expression instantly shifted into one of alarm - probably because Magna usually would have preferred to eat glass than admit to even a fraction of discomfort - and in the next moment she was taking her uninjured hand and guiding her over to the counter. "Here, sit down." Brow furrowed, Miko watched her carefully as she obeyed. "You did lose a fair amount of blood." She bit her lip, checking their surroundings. "I'm gonna have a look around. See if I can't find something to eat."

Magna hesitated, ready to protest - she didn't need the fussing, especially since the whole feeling faint thing was a ruse - but the other woman was already walking away. She sighed. "You better not bring back fucking dog treats, Miko, I swear."

A surprised chuckle met her words as she watched Yumiko disappear out the door. "No promises."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Miss Nakamura is Yumagna's #1 shipper


	7. Reprobate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so I just realized that I made a mistake in my first fic 'if you love me, don't let go'. I said Yumiko's parents divorced when she was nine and she moved to the united states, but I was taking another look at the timeline I've worked out and she was actually thirteen. Nine does not work with my timeline at all (which will become apparent in later fics) and I don't know why I wrote that. Oops. So, sorry for the confusion.

**Past**

Miko returned, armed with a couple of granola bars which she unceremoniously dumped on Magna's lap.

"I'm going to go give those poor things some food and water," she said, already headed off in the direction of the backroom. The waiting room had had two dead dogs in it but they'd noticed during their search of the place - before they'd run into the jaws of the living dead - the cages full of animals. Some of them had succumbed to dehydration and hunger, but there were still a few left hanging on. The cages had done a decent job of protecting them from getting eaten, even as they had starved them.

Turned out Miko's hope of a puppy rescue hadn't been entirely naive.

Magna shifted. "I'll come help."

The lawyer pointed a firm finger at her. "No, you stay here and rest up. Eat. I'd like to come back to find you have at least some of your former coloring. You're pale as a ghost."

"I'm fine." She hopped off the table to prove the point.

The point cowered at the sight of Miko's finger. " _Sit_ before I make you sit."

Magna huffed but settled back down, grumbling to herself as she tore at the wrapper of a granola bar.

Miko grinned. "Good girl. Now stay." Ignoring the responding glare, she disappeared into the back room.

"You're an asshole, Miko!"

No response.

"Yeah, you better run," she muttered, angrily tearing off a piece of the granola bar and shoving it in her mouth.

She knew, deep down, that the reason she hadn't told Yumiko the truth all those years ago wasn't because she'd been afraid of ruining her one chance at getting out of prison - she'd never actually believed that she _would_ get out. No, she'd been afraid of something else entirely.

It was obvious that, the moment the lawyer knew the truth, she would walk away. Drop Magna like a scalding hot fucking potato and never look back. And then she'd lose the only person left in the world who seemed to give a shit about her, even if that care was built on a lie. Against her best efforts, Miko had worked her way past the first barriers of her defense, had become someone that she actually _liked._

Her visits were the only thing Magna had to look forward to in that hell. They broke up the monotony of prison, provided a safe haven in amongst the chaos inherent to being constantly surrounded by people, by threats.

They were all she had.

_Miko_ was all she had.

Even if she'd been just a client to her, the other woman had stopped being just a lawyer to Magna. She'd become more than that. So much more.

She'd been a lifeline.

And as long as she'd continued with her case, Magna got to keep her.

It was probably the most selfish thing she'd ever done.

But she had already committed murder and bought herself a ticket to life imprisonment, so being selfish was the least of her sins. Her soul was probably already damned to hell. She might as well enjoy what she could of the time she had left before it got there.

* * *

**Present**

Her aunt's favorite tale from the bible had been that of Jacob and Esau. Of the innate nature inside every human being, chosen by God. Predestination. Some people, she would say, are good. And some are bad. And it was never really up to a person which one they would turn out to be, for it had already been decided by God the moment that they had entered their mother's womb.

The good would receive God's favor and love - and would become examples of it in the world He had created for them.

The bad would receive His scorn and ultimate damnation. They would wreak destruction across that world.

She had made no secret of which category she thought Magna fell into.

As a child, the story had always made her feel hopeless. Not only, according to her aunt, was she wicked but there was nothing within her power she could do to change it. Her story, her every impulse and action, had already been planned out by God. He had decreed from the moment of her inception that she would be destined for hell.

Her time on earth was about proving that she deserved such a sentence, sewing the seeds of her own damnation.

It had taken her a long time to understand that it wasn't God who had decided that she could bring nothing into the world but darkness.

It was her aunt.

Her aunt, who'd never forgiven Magna's mother for stealing her father's attention; for becoming the 'lucky' woman he'd chosen to marry.

A woman whose visage Magna embodied to an almost painful degree, even if she'd gotten nothing of her personality.

Her amenability.

Her kindness.

When her mother had ceased to be present and her father ceased to _exist,_ Magna had been the only remaining candidate for her aunt's scorn.

Her punishment.

It wasn't _about_ Magna.

The things her aunt said about her, the bible verses she made her memorize to agonizing accuracy, the steadfast belief that her niece would never amount to anything worthwhile, anything _good. . ._

It wasn't about Magna.

And it sure as fuck wasn't about God.

But that was an understanding she struggled to maintain. The road of rewriting the lessons of her youth a long and arduous one, full of pitfalls.

Sometimes it was just easier to listen to the voice of her aunt in her head.

It echoed so much of what Magna was already thinking.

"You know, I meant what I said back then."

Miko's voice startled her from her thoughts and she glanced up to find the other woman gazing at her thoughtfully. "Meant what?"

The former lawyer sighed and reached for her hand, frowning slightly as she noticed the half-moon indentations on the inside of her palm. She didn't comment, though - she never did - and instead traced a thumb over the five black dots on the outside. "This." She tapped the center spot. "It doesn't define you."

Yeah. Right.

Magna resisted the urge to scoff. "You said that back when you thought I was innocent. When you thought that I was never meant to go to prison in the first place."

It was easier not to be defined by something that was false.

Miko wasn't fazed. "Doesn't matter. I meant it then and I mean it now." She sighed. "What happened was. . . big. And life changing. But it's not all you are." She looked away a moment. "We're more than our pasts. Than a moment in time."

"Pretty big fucking moment."

Moments could destroy a person, or build them back up. They could change everything.

Miko shrugged. "Most moments that matter are. But just because they're big doesn't mean that they have to take up our whole lives. They don't deserve that kind of power."

Magna got the feeling that she wasn't just talking about her time in prison and frowned. She opened her mouth to question the other woman but paused. Whatever it was, Miko had decided not to share it.

In prison, she'd learnt to listen without asking questions. Prying into someone else's business was the fastest way to make an enemy.

It had been the only aspect she hadn't minded. Finally, she didn't have to make an effort to keep other people's noses out of her shit. Even her shrink had kept the questions to a minimum. Though, that was more out of respect for her boundaries - which had been a whole new bewildering experience to adjust to - than any fear of retaliation.

If Miko wanted to talk, she'd talk.

Magna wouldn't push her into it.

Still. . . "You okay?"

The other woman sighed but smiled apologetically, catching herself. Whatever had been lurking beneath the surface of her expression was pushed back down to its depths. Magna couldn't follow it. "It's just been a bad couple of days. And it's not over yet. The Whisperers are still out there. And Connie's. . ."

Magna swallowed, looked down. "Yeah."

For a moment, she had almost forgotten. Too caught up in her own shit.

How could she forget?

She pulled her hand free of Miko's, jaw clenching as she brought her hands up to clasp around her knee, nails digging in through the material as the recriminations flew through her head.

It felt wrong, to be trying to patch up her life, to repair things with Miko when Connie was still out there. Alone. Possibly injured and scared.

Dead.

How could she even be thinking about any of this right now?

But maybe it wasn't so surprising.

That was the kind of person she was. Selfish. Fucked up.

"What is it?"

Magna clenched her jaw, staring at her knee as she tried to ground herself in the sharp pressure her nails provided, tried to bring herself back from the edge. She exhaled. "I'm sorry I'm not the person you thought I was."

She'd wanted so badly to be. But she was who she was. She couldn't change that. Not even for Miko.

The other woman's brow furrowed. "What do you mean?"

She shrugged. "You know, innocent. _Good._ _"_

She didn't feel bad about what she'd done. Didn't regret it.

But she also knew that good people didn't commit murder.

Not in the way she had.

Miko had killed people. But always in self-defense or defense of another.

Just like her mother.

Magna couldn't say the same.

But she'd been willing to sacrifice what little goodness she had inside her if it meant making that son of a bitch pay for what he did to Maisie. If it meant stopping him from doing it to some other little kid.

And she'd do it all again. In a heartbeat.

Even if it meant she'd never live up to any of Miko's beliefs in her. Never be someone that was actually _worthy_ of her love.

Even if it got her sent to hell.

That lack of regret, lack of guilt. . .

Good people weren't like that.

Miko wasn't like that.

"Magna."

She refused to look up until a hand reached out, cupping her face. She gave into its insistence, raising her chin and taking in the frown now settled on Miko's face.

"You may not be innocent but you _are_ good."

Magna scoffed and looked away.

The hand would have slipped from her face but Miko held it steady, drawing her attention back, gentle but firm. "Hey. I mean it." Her eyes were blazing and Magna swallowed, trying not to give in to the belief she saw there, the trust. "You are _exactly_ the person that I thought you were."

Miko reached out and recaptured Magna's hand and she was helpless to resist the pull.

Her face screwed up. "But I-"

"Lied?" She raised an eyebrow, unwavering. "Yes. And I'm still mad at you for that, by the way. But that's not-"

"I _killed_ him, Miko. That person you met was a lie."

Yumiko stared at her for a long while, not saying anything, but the hand remained firm at her cheek, another holding Magna's tight in her lap. "No, she wasn't. I know what I saw in you that day, and I've seen it in you every day since then. I see it in you now. I thought it meant you were innocent but. . ." She exhaled, gripping Magna's hand tighter. "But I've learnt since then, I've had to, that being innocent doesn't necessarily mean being good. God knows, I'm not innocent anymore."

Magna shook her head. "Miko, you're-"

"Good? I hope so. I try to be. But sometimes. . ." She wet her lips, momentarily getting lost in the past, the darkness of it, and now it was Magna's turn to squeeze her hand, bring her back. "You think I'm good. You believe that?"

Magna scowled. "Of course I believe it, I-"

"Just as much as I believe the same of you. You are a _good_ person, Magna Carter."

Her nose wrinkled, her train of thought momentarily derailed. "I hate it when you use my full name."

Miko's eyes twinkled. "I know. That's why I use it. It's the only way to guarantee I'll actually get your attention."

Magna rolled her eyes, looking away to hide the traitorous smile threatening at her lips. It seemed almost supernatural, Miko's ability to make her smile even when she least wanted to, when there was nothing in the world worth smiling about. "Well, you've got it."

"But not your belief?" the other woman guessed accurately and Magna sighed.

"I just. . ." How to explain? "I don't want to let you down. Not again."

"The only way you could do that is by lying to me again. Pushing me away. _Again._ _"_

Magna bit her lip. That was exactly what she was afraid of. Old habits were hard to break for a reason. "And if I do?"

Miko took a breath and she knew it wasn't the response she'd been hoping for but, after a moment, the other woman managed a somewhat wry tilt to her lips. "Well, if these were the old days, I'd have you get me a couple of tubs of quality ice cream to try and make up for it. _And_ have you walk my dogs for a week."

Magna's eyes widened. That really _would_ be a punishment. Those dogs had been demons on a horrifying mix of steroids and methamphetamines most days, just another reason she was never getting a pet.

Ever.

She'd stick with horses, thanks.

Miko continued. "But seeing as that's no longer an option, I think I'll settle for an apology. And a promise to do better next time. And for you to actually mean it."

"I always mean it." And she did. Her actions just never seemed to follow her intentions. She was always fucking things up for herself, even when she tried her best not to.

Miko's gaze softened. "I know. And that's why I always forgive you."

"Maybe you shouldn't."

"Well, I think that's my choice, don't you?"

Magna's frown didn't falter.

Miko squeezed her hand, the corners of her mouth turning down. "I know what it's like to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't care about my feelings and wants to hurt me," she continued firmly. "This isn't that. If it was, I'd be gone."

Magna's frown flickered as she weighed up the honesty in that response, trying to determine whether those facts had any merit.

She _did_ care about Miko's feelings and she _never_ wanted to hurt her.

But that didn't mean that she wouldn't end up doing exactly that.

Didn't mean that Miko still didn't deserve better, though she could admit that, in the Apocalypse, her options for 'better' were relatively sparse.

But. . .as long as the other woman was determined to have her, Magna would endeavor to do everything she could to give her that 'better'.

Maybe, one day, that would be enough.

Miko sighed then, pulling at Magna's hand and drawing her in. She went with the motion reluctantly, at first, before caving to temptation and allowing the other woman to settle her back against her chest, wrapping her arms around her. The hold was loose enough not to be constricting but firm enough to provide comfort. Magna felt almost safe inside it.

She usually did in Miko's arms.

"Come on," the other woman murmured in her ear. "Stop trying to ruin things and just enjoy the moment. Just for a little while. We're alive and we're together." She felt a brief kiss against her head, relaxed a little more into the hold. "We made it. _Enjoy_ that."

Magna blew out a breath but she couldn't help the small smile that edged its way onto her face. "You might have a point."

"I usually do."

. . .

_'(for the children not yet being born, nor having done any good or evil, that the purpose of God according to election might stand, not of works but of Him who calls), it was said to her, "The older shall serve the younger." As it is written, "Jacob I have loved, but Esau I have hated." What shall we say then? Is there unrighteousness with God? Certainly not! For He says to Moses, "I will have mercy on whomever I will have mercy, and I will have compassion on whomever I will have compassion."'_

_\- Romans 9:11-15 NKJV_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we're starting to draw to a close.
> 
> not sure how I feel about this chapter. . .
> 
> Raise your hand if your non-religious public school forced you to take part in a religious education but only for Christianity? Like, if you're gonna make kids learn religion at least learn all of them - or more than one.
> 
> I'm not religious myself, mostly because I've seen it cause too much harm. But I think any religion can be good and provide comfort to a lot to people. Unfortunately, a lot of bad people can use it to cause harm or suit their own needs and that has devastating consequences. Pastoral narcissism, for instance, is a big problem in churches. But when I do criticize religion, it's not really the religion itself that I'm criticizing but rather the institutions and the people who manipulate and pervert it for their own ends.


	8. A Brief Respite

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this chapter is dedicated to nadiahilkerfan whose comments I appreciate so much. He wanted to know what Yumiko was thinking and feeling throughout this so I expanded a little on her POV in this chapter (by about 1,000 words) to try and touch on that. Cos I realized that whilst I know what Yumiko is thinking and feeling throughout this, that doesn't mean that you guys do oops.
> 
> There's humor and softness towards the end of this chap cos I think you all need it

_“They have already fooled you when they introduce the world to you through classifications of people, manners and behaviors to whether they are good or bad. But good and bad are only perceptions. So what’s good and bad is totally different from one person to another; which makes it so damn clear that there is no such a thing that is completely good or bad about anything in the world ...”_

_― Samiha Totanji_

* * *

Twenty minutes later found them still sitting on the deck of the safe house the group had hauled up in, watching as Eugene and Ezekiel went about preparing for their trip into the unknown. In the past, Magna might have suggested that they go with them. Being on the road, away from the cloying mass of Hilltop and Alexandria's residents was tempting. But she'd recently resolved to find a way to be at peace with that mass, to finally let herself settle.

To embrace the home that she'd been so wary of. Even if it had recently burnt to the ground.

Besides, she could never leave with Connie still unaccounted for. She couldn't walk away from not knowing her fate and, once some of the danger that the Whisperers currently posed died down, she was determined to search for her.

Magna just hoped she wouldn't be searching for a body.

To distract from that thought, not willing to let the darkness have a foothold again, she occupied herself with toying with Miko's hand. She focused on the warmth, the textural changes that she'd noticed over the years - how calluses had formed in places that had once been smooth, evidence of the way their lives had been altered a decade ago.

Faint dark splotches were starting to appear on the knuckles and she frowned, remembering the startling force of Miko's anger.

She couldn't help but feel responsible for it. This bruise wouldn't exist without Magna.

A lot of Miko's wounds wouldn't exist without her.

* * *

_**Past** _

They'd camped out in Magna's apartment for two nights before the risk had grown too much. They could hear the commotion going on in the surrounding rooms, the crashes and screams as the outbreak worked its way up, floor by floor. She'd predicted - and Miko had agreed - that if they didn't leave soon, they might not be able to leave at all.

So on that last night they packed up what supplies they could - which wasn't much, almost a year into owning it and her apartment was still pretty spartan, she'd never had the money for more than the bare essentials, and that included food (though she'd tried to keep a tub of ice-cream on hand for Miko's benefit) - and worked their way down to the ground from the fire escape.

Luckily, Magna lived in a relatively deserted area that consisted of little more than her apartment block, a rusty old playground that was falling to pieces by the day, a motel that only saw guests every once in a blue moon, and a Chinese restaurant whose customers mostly consisted of said apartment block. Farms stretched out for miles in every direction, the closest sign of real civilization being the truck stop Magna worked at a good distance away. This meant that they only had to dodge a few of the sickly looking creatures on the way to Miko's car, the majority of the monstrosities seemingly trapped inside the building - at least, until they figured out how to open doors.

 _Please, don_ _'t let them figure out how to open doors._

They drove to the truck stop first. It was a risk but they'd wagered that they were going to need as many containers of fuel as they could get their hands on if Miko's car was going to remain of any use to them. They got a little banged up in the attempt - bruises and cuts, plus a sprained ankle for Miko that she pretended didn't hurt as much it obviously did - and quickly drove out of there with four containers of fuel, not keen to overstay their welcome. They'd avoided going into the shop or diner, even though the promise of food had been tempting. For the first time since Magna had first stepped foot in that truck stop, it had been eerily quiet - her manager's passion for Robbie Williams rendered silent at last. Through the glass, there'd been a visible mass of silhouettes lumbering around inside and, armed with little more than two blunted kitchen knives, Miko's necklace and her buckle knife the odds hadn't been encouraging.

That temptation wasn't worth either of their lives.

They camped out in the car for several more nights, using up their poor supply of food and water. That was when Miko raised the topic of the veterinary clinic. She'd suggested it a few times before but they hadn't been desperate enough then for the idea to hold much appeal. The practice, located about an hour from the city, was owned by a middle-aged couple who operated it out of their farm. They'd been giving Miko discounted services ever since she'd won a case for them two years ago.

"They're entirely self-sufficient. They grow all their own food and have a water tank half the size of your apartment. Plus, they have a micro hydropower plant operating out of their dam. They finished installing it just last year." Magna didn't know what a hydropower plant was, let alone a micro one, but Miko certainly seemed excited about it. "And there'll be medicine, more first aid supplies - all of which we're going to need eventually."

Still, she suspected the lawyer was less interested in the food, medicine and hydowhatever and more desperate to discover whether anyone else she knew had survived the outbreak. And, if they hadn't, whether their pets had.

That was another sore spot that Magna had resisted the urge to poke at. Along with abandoning her mother, Miko hadn't been able to return home. Hadn't been able to return to _her_ pets.

Although she hadn't mentioned it, Magna knew her well enough to guess that it had to weigh heavily on her. They were as much a part of Miko's family as her own mother and her Facebook page was little more than a gallery of dogs, cats and various bird species.

All of which were currently trapped inside her home, waiting for her return.

If a walking corpse hadn't gotten to them, dehydration surely would have.

It was this thought more than anything else that garnered Magna's agreement. She couldn't rescue Miko's mum or her pets, but there was a chance these old clients of hers were still alive. If Miko could help them, she knew it would ease some of the guilt the other woman had been carrying around ever since Magna convinced her to stay that first night.

It had been the right decision. The smart decision.

But that was little comfort to Miko.

Maybe this _would_ be.

Not to mention, if there _were_ food and medical supplies there, well. . . it would certainly be less risky than a Wallmart - an idea that she'd already vetoed countless times.

Sooner or later, they had to get more supplies. That was inevitable if they were to stand any chance of surviving this thing.

Magna just wished she didn't have to put Miko in harm's way in order to get those supplies.

"Okay. We'll go."

* * *

_**Present** _

For a long time, the argument they'd had that day had become a source of confusion - and concern - for Yumiko, but ultimately she'd dismissed it as just another one of Magna's insecurities.

She'd learnt very quickly into their relationship that there were things - sometimes small, sometimes big - that Magna expected to be judged for, often because such judgment had been swift and brutal in the past. But, by and large, those things weren't _deserving_ of judgment, or at least not the unfavorable kind Magna seemed to predict.

The other woman had a tendency to make vast and terrifying mountains out of a plethora of tiny molehills. At times, it was distressing to watch but, for the most part, Yumiko accepted it as a routine element of having a relationship - any kind of relationship - with Magna.

On that day, Yumiko had been much more concerned with her injury. It had been more distressing to witness than she'd let on and, multiple times, she'd had to fight back the urge to burst into tears as she'd forced herself through the process of stitching it up. The stress of the past week had taken a toll and her mind had fallen back into the catastrophizing habits she thought she'd ditched with her youth. A part of her had feared - irrationally - that Magna was going to die.

Just like her father. Just like her mother. Just like all of her friends and family.

She'd imagined the other woman bleeding to death or succumbing to infection in a matter of days and had grown increasingly nauseous with worry.

Magna resisting all attempts at aid had only escalated that fear and she may have lost her patience a few times as a result.

It wasn't until she'd almost completely finished stitching up her hand, that some of the terror had started to fade and her rational mind made a reappearance. It was then she was more able to analyze the situation and Magna's behavior.

Her aversion to touch wasn't new. Yumiko had been made tentatively aware of that back when she was still visiting the other woman in prison, but once Magna had been freed it had only become more obvious. Prison had been a different arena where touch was all but prohibited. On the outside, though, Magna maintained that same level of distance. She'd shied away from casual glances of contact and panicked at the instigation of anything more prolonged. Yumiko had made the mistake of moving to hug her once and Magna had pushed her away so violently that she'd hit a wall. The resulting bruise had faded in a matter of days but the horror and shame she'd seen on Magna's face in the minute before she'd fled the scene survived in her memory to this day.

Magna had avoided her for a long time after that incident. Yumiko had taken this as a sign of anger for the liberty she'd taken in daring to hug her and had given her space. But if it was anger that kept Magna away, it wasn't directed at her. Years later the other woman told her that she'd been afraid of something like that happening again, of hurting her. Alongside that, she hadn't expected Yumiko to _want_ to have her around after what had happened. She'd considered their friendship rendered null and void in that moment - destroyed - and had been nothing short of bewildered when the lawyer had shown up on her doorstep two weeks later with a hopeful invitation to dinner.

Communication. It had never really been their strong suit.

So whilst there'd been rather monumental progress made when it came to touch in the handful of days since the world ended, Yumiko hadn't been surprised by the fact that Magna still wasn't entirely comfortable with it. It had only been when she'd started the process of bandaging her hand that her eyes landed on the tattoo and a suspicion arose that it was something more than that.

Much more.

Subsequently, she'd attempted to counter those suspicions, to alleviate Magna's worries and insecurities.

But all she'd succeeded in doing was triggering a fight.

Much to her frustration.

At the time of the argument, and the years that followed, she hadn't been able to think of anything that could earn the hatred Magna seemed so certain would come. There'd been nothing that could make her hate Magna back then, she'd been certain of that, and a decade hadn't changed her mind. Nor had finally learning the truth.

She knew Magna too well to ever hate her.

Discovering that she'd been lied to for thirteen years by the person she'd trusted most had shaken her, made her feel for a time that she _didn_ _'t_ know Magna. That she might never have known her. Not really.

But that was a fragile doubt that hadn't survived the length of the other woman's absence, the all-consuming fear that she might never see her again.

Because she _did_ know Magna. She'd spent thirteen years building up a treasure trove of knowledge that dwarfed one lie. It didn't make that lie insignificant, didn't make it hurt any less - and Yumiko suspected that that hurt would last for a while longer yet - but it did throw it into perspective.

It was because she knew Magna so well that she could understand why she had lied to her in the first place and, slowly, learn to forgive her.

All she had to do was remember the abject terror in the other woman's eyes when she'd taken her hand that day in the clinic. How the urgency to get away from Yumiko's touch had overpowered any sense of pain or self-preservation.

All because of a simple tattoo.

A tattoo that had never meant anything to Yumiko but was a creature of insurmountable significance to Magna.

(sometimes she hated that tattoo for the power it seemed to hold over the other woman)

If Magna had thought that several dots of ink were enough to earn Yumiko's judgment, then it wasn't hard to see how she'd concluded that the truth about her crime would be far worse. That it would break their friendship forever, erecting between them an impossible barrier to overcome.

Yumiko didn't believe that herself. She felt confident that, whilst she would have experienced anger and hurt at Magna's revelation that day, it would in no way have been enough to sever their friendship or ruin the love she felt for the other woman.

It certainly would have hurt a lot less than finding out after ten more years of established trust.

Especially, given the events that preceded it. Magna mutilating her hand in an effort to save Yumiko's life - without hesitation - would have told her far more about who the other woman really was than something she'd done at just seventeen.

But even that proof wouldn't have been necessary to convince her of the fact that, at her core, Magna was a good person. She'd seen more than enough evidence of that throughout their friendship.

As much as she disagreed with her decision to kill Lawson, that was, in its way, it's own piece of evidence.

Yumiko didn't know very many people who would sacrifice their future - and their innocence - in such a drastic way out of love for another, especially when they were barely more than a child themselves.

She could judge the results of that all she wanted but the motivation itself was another point in Magna's favor, at least to her mind.

It was hard to divide people into good or bad, black and white, and she'd tried to discard the habit of doing so as she'd gotten older - though, the simplicity of such clear distinctions was certainly tempting.

But she had never wavered in her belief that, on the whole, Magna was a _good_ person.

She truly believed that.

But she couldn't convince Magna of that belief.

Just like she couldn't convince her that Yumiko wouldn't have discarded that belief herself if Magna had told her the truth all those years ago.

It seemed that those were both things she was just going to have to realize on her own. Someday.

Yumiko couldn't take that journey for her.

No matter how much she wanted to.

She sighed, hugging the other woman a little tighter to her chest. The closeness was a relief more than anything else and she suspected that it would take many more days - perhaps even weeks - before the desperate urge to touch, to _hold_ was satisfied. So many times last night, she'd awoken to the fear that the other woman would no longer be beside her. That it had all been little more than a fever dream and Magna was still lost to her. Trapped in a cave, or at the mercy of walkers and Whisperers.

Dead.

It was going to take a long time to fully believe that those nightmares had been averted, that she really _was_ back.

Right now, physical contact was the most reassuring proof she had, so she endeavored to get as much of it as she could.

Thankfully, Magna was no longer as resistant to touch as she had been and seemed to be as much in need of that contact as Yumiko right now.

That was one obstacle that no longer lay between them, at least.

It had been something of a revelation to discover in the last decade just how addicted to touch Magna could in fact be. How, once the anxiety and reservations wore off, she seemed to search out and soak up every ounce of physical contact Yumiko could provide. She'd always assumed that the other woman simply disliked touch - a predilection born out of obvious fear and negative past experience - but Magna had turned that theory on its head.

She couldn't imagine what it was like to be so terrified of something you desperately craved. To be hurt by the very thing you needed most.

Yumiko had experienced a lot in her life. But not that.

At some point whilst they were sitting there, Magna had started playing with Yumiko's hand, something she allowed all too willingly - still not immune to the knowledge of just how close she'd come to losing this; a part of her never wanted to let go of Magna's hand again. But the other woman's gaze had dropped now to that hand in a worrying way, turning it over with a discerning frown.

She knew immediately where her thoughts had gone.

"Magna."

"Hmm?"

Yumiko sighed, watching as the other woman examined her hand with a dedication more fitting of an archaeologist handling their latest discovery. "It's fine."

"It's bruised."

That was an overstatement. "Barely." She was sure Carol's face was worse and couldn't quite find it in herself to care. Connie was gone, she might never be found again, and it was a miracle that Magna was sitting here with her now, in her arms, instead of buried in some forgotten cave or walking among the dead.

No, Yumiko couldn't feel bad for that. Especially not when she'd had to rouse Magna from sleep three times last night because her nightmares had grown too distressing. "Believe it or not, I do actually know how to throw a punch."

Magna smirked, finally releasing her hand as she worked her way out of Yumiko's hold. She tried not to grimace at the action, at how reluctant her arms were to let her go.

"That wasn't always the case."

She narrowed her eyes. "You promised to never speak of that again."

The other woman looked very much like she wanted to laugh. Asshole. "You broke _two fingers_ , Miko."

She huffed, leaning back against the post. "It was my first time."

"Yeah, and your technique was awful."

Yumiko rolled her eyes, crossing her arms. "Yeah, well, not all of us come out of the womb ready to start a fight."

Despite her show of irritation, inwardly she was relieved by the conversation, by the lighthearted current within it.

She could tell that recent events were weighing on Magna. They were weighing on her, too. This was a much needed respite from that.

Magna scowled and pointed a finger at her. "Don't exaggerate." Her face cracked a second later in a grin. "I was at least six-months-old before I began starting shit. Had to wait for my teeth to grow in so I could bite people. I was like Sunny from _A Series of Unfortunate Events_ for a while there." She looked a little too smug about the fact and Yumiko could easily picture it. A little Magna stumbling around biting all the annoying adults that dared to piss her off, God knew there had probably been a lot of them.

Not to mention, there'd been more than a few times over the years when they'd been fighting sickos and one had gone to take a chunk out of Magna that the other woman looked like she was strongly considering returning the favor.

Yumiko was forever grateful for her restraint in choosing not to.

She shook her head with a smile. "You're a menace."

"Hey, my first victim was my aunt and I don't know what she did exactly but I do know that she deserved it."

Yumiko laughed. "Right."

"She did!"

"Mm-hmm."

Inwardly, though, she agreed. She'd never met the woman but what few stories Magna had decided to share with her had painted her in a less than flattering light. And that was putting it kindly.

Magna persisted. "The woman was a nightmare - she was probably trying to put me in a dress with frills or something."

"Utterly unforgivable."

"I know." The two shared a smile, Yumiko still shaking her head in a mix of exasperation and amusement, wondering what she was going to do with this hilarious terror of a woman sitting beside her.

Magna had always meant trouble, from the moment they'd met, but it was the kind of trouble that she'd grown to love. "What am I going to do with you?" Yumiko watched her fondly, smile easy as she realized she was feeling the most relaxed she had in weeks.

Magna shrugged, stretching out so her shoe nudged her thigh. "Thirteen years and you're still asking that question? I would've thought you'd have figured it out by now."

Yumiko resisted the urge to bring that foot into her lap, she wasn't keen to find out just what they'd been stepping in since departing Hilltop. She knew she'd trampled over more than one pile of sicko intestines along the way and she doubted Magna had faired any better.

Later, when they were settled somewhere, and finally able to kick off their shoes, she could give into that desire. And more.

"Well, I know to keep you well and far away from any caves in the future," she sighed. "Might find a bunch of bubble wrap and roll you up in it."

Magna rolled her eyes. "Considering you're the one who's been injured the most out of the two of us, maybe you should keep the bubble wrap for yourself."

She opened her mouth to argue but found that she didn't actually have enough evidence to form a rejoinder. Irritatingly enough, she really _had_ been the most injury-prone of the two of them, not to mention the one who caught every stray bug and attack of food poisoning that came their way whilst Magna continued on infuriatingly unscathed.

Not that she _wanted_ Magna to get hurt - the thought of that actually made her nearly lose her mind - but a cold or two wouldn't have been totally amiss. In the interest of fairness.

It wasn't right that she'd been the only one in this relationship to appear in all their snotty-nosed glory, or to have vomit picked out of their hair. That embarrassment needed to be shared. Couples shared things. It was only healthy.

Really, Magna was just being selfish.

Or she could at least share some of that superhuman immune system with her. Having to fight off the flu and sickos at the same time was _not_ something she ever wanted to relive.

Thankfully, she hadn't experienced that for almost two years now. Hopefully, her luck continued.

Though, Magna having to once again hold her hair back as she puked her guts out might be an adequate punishment for lying to her for thirteen years. She could allow herself that small form of pettiness.

Magna narrowed her eyes suspiciously, as if sensing the direction of her thoughts. "What are you thinking about?"

Yumiko smiled. "Just that time I threw up on your favorite shirt. I think that was the first time I ever saw you come close to crying." It wasn't but she'd long since decided to stay silent about that one night Magna had gotten drunk before the Apocalypse and turned into a human wreck.

Still, the other woman really _had_ looked like she was going to cry when, after hours of scrubbing the shirt in a nearby river, the stench had refused to come out.

Magna's eyes widened. "I wasn't going to cry! I was just angry."

Magna's default setting was anger and Yumiko was familiar with it enough by now to know when it was in play. She hadn't been angry. "You held a _funeral_ for it, Magna."

She blushed slightly. "That shirt survived nights at a truck stop and almost two years of fighting sickos. It deserved a good send-off."

Yumiko's smile was growing. "You put flowers on its grave."

Magna turned away, crossing her arms as the red grew darker in her cheeks. "They were just lying around. It's not like I went out of my way to pick them."

"You're allergic to pollen."

Magna scoffed. "I'm not allergic to _flowers_."

She actually looked offended by the mere suggestion and Yumiko had to bite her lip on a laugh. "You couldn't stop sneezing for the next three days. And you kept complaining about your eyes itching." It had been the closest she'd come to ever seeing Magna sick and it had been like watching a child battle their way through their first cold. A record number of pouts had been reached in those three days and when her blurry, watery eyes had caused her to miss the mark when throwing a knife at a walker on the second day, she'd actually looked to be fighting back tears.

"Remember when you missed that sicko with your-"

The other woman sprang to her feet. "I'm going to go see if Daryl is finally back from wherever the hell he fucked off to."

Yumiko stared after her, laughter building in her chest. "You _hate_ Daryl."

Her only response was a very rude gesture that got a gasp from Gracie who'd been sitting nearby.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whenever there's an apocalyptic scenario, my first thoughts are always 'what about the pets?'
> 
> also you can't tell me Magna wouldn't have liked a series about kids constantly being let down by the adults around them and outsmarting them and some weird guy at every turn
> 
> so I struggled a lot with the past tenses in this chapter and I know that I've probably gotten some bits wrong. Hope it's not too obvious.
> 
> the bit about the cave is inspired by a conversation me and my friend had after Nadia posted a photo on instagram about her staying in a cave during her holiday. My friend and I were just like 'No! No more caves! Did you learn nothing from the walking dead?'


	9. We're Going To Be Okay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just a short chapter this time. sorry folks. the final one will be longer.
> 
> also the first time I added hand-holding to the tags it corrected it to hand-job...   
> this site needs Jesus

_"Nothing in this world compares to the comfort and security of having someone just hold your hand."_  
_― Richelle E. Goodrich, Smile Anyway: Quotes, Verse, and Grumblings for Every Day of the Year_

* * *

_ **Past** _

Unable to take sitting still and stewing in her thoughts any longer, Magna got up and started rifling through the drawers, hoping to find something that would make slicing her hand open worth the trip.

A voice stopped her in her tracks.

"Hey, you're supposed to be resting."

She neglected to turn around to face the source of the scolding, tossing out a folder from one of the drawers. Useless paperweight. "I rested."

The voice drew closer, along with the sound of footsteps. "I've barely been gone ten minutes."

Magna shrugged. "Really? Felt like hours."

Miko huffed and although Magna didn't turn around, kept to what she was doing, she could hear the edge of reluctant amusement in it, even if she couldn't see the proof. "I know you don't like staying still for more than a hot second but you did just lose a hell of a lot of blood. I mean, it's kind of all over the floor and everything." Her voice faded away in distaste.

Magna had a feeling that more than half of that blood belonged to someone else.

"I'm fine. I ate something. I'm good." If she sat still any longer she was going to lose her mind. She'd had too much of that already back in prison. Sitting still and thinking about things that shouldn't be thought about was a way of life then.

She refused to return to that.

"And drank some water?"

"Yep," she popped the word, giving up on the last drawer and slamming it shut. _Two_ fucking scalpels? Seriously? That was all? Yumiko had said that the family that owned this practice tended to outsource most operations to a sister clinic in the city but she'd still been hoping for a little more than _this_.

Fucking waste of time.

She huffed, finally turning around. "We're going to a fucking Walmart next, I don't care what you say."

Miko raised a brow. "I'm pretty sure _you_ were the one who said we weren't going to Walmart or any other likely overpopulated store under any circumstances."

"Yeah, well," she muttered, slamming the last drawer shut. "I want some damn knives."

The lawyer's gaze traveled to her loot on the bench. "Scalpels not enough for you?"

"Need something bigger. With more heft to it. But, no, the scalpels are fine I just. . ." She didn't know how to explain, didn't even know what it was that she was trying _to_ explain. But she was feeling edgier by the day; like there were ants creeping under her skin, and eyes on her every move; like she was back in prison, surrounded by guards and inmates and walls she couldn't pass through; or worse, shadowing the halls of her childhood home, trying not to be seen, noticed.

"Feel unprotected."

Magna's head jerked up at the words.

Miko was looking at her with a small smile, eyes solemn with understanding. "I know. Me, too."

The younger woman sighed, leaning back against the counter, anger leaving her in a rush as she deflated, suddenly feeling very tired. "That was too fucking close earlier."

Miko grimaced. "I know. I'm sorry about your hand."

"Screw my hand," she spat. "You nearly got bit. If I'd been even a few seconds behind, if I hadn't found something to use to stab that sick fuck with, you could. . ." She swallowed, tried to catch hold of the air that was suddenly eluding her. "You could have. . ." Her chest heaved, lungs deprived of precious oxygen and she choked, trying to force her body to obey, to let her continue.

Yumiko's brow creased and in an instant she was moving forward. "Hey." A warm hand found the skin of her face - she flinched, unused to that kind of contact, from anyone - and another came to rest on her arm, grip gentle yet strong. "But I didn't. I'm fine."

"But you could have." The hand against her cheek felt too hot, too much, but something in her rebelled at the thought of drawing away, losing its touch.

"But I didn't."

Magna stared at her injured hand, away from the other woman's imploring gaze, refusing to be reassured.

Miko sighed, fingers stroking her cheek gently. "You're right. It was a close call. I think we're going to be having a lot of those from now on. We're just gonna have to be more careful. And prepared." She took a breath. "So maybe you should start teaching me how to fight."

Magna's brow furrowed. "You hate fighting."

"Yeah, I do. But it looks like we're going to be doing a lot of it from here on out, so I better start learning now."

She wasn't wrong about that but. "You know I don't actually _know_ how to fight, right? Like no-one's ever taught me or anything. I just picked shit up because-"

"You had to. I know." She nodded. "But that's still more than me. You know how to survive. That's a start. So teach me."

Magna bit her lip, hesitating. How the fuck was she supposed to teach someone how to survive? It wasn't like she'd ever been taught herself. Life had just sort of. . . beaten it into her. She'd needed to survive, so she had. And fuck if she was going to let Miko experience any of the shit that had brought that skill out in her. "I don't know if I can."

But the older woman wasn't to be deterred. She had her game face on, the one she'd use in their meetings, back when she'd still been a prisoner and Yumiko her lawyer, planning a battle strategy. For some reason, it calmed her slightly and she realized that, at some point in the conversation, her breathing had returned almost to normal. She still felt shaky, but that could also just be the blood loss.

Her pride decided it was the blood loss.

"Can you teach me how to get out of someone's hold? Get them off me?" Miko paused, a little grin lightening her face. "Got a feeling that might have come in handy earlier."

Magna wet her lips, thinking it over. "Yeah." She nodded, hesitantly. "Yeah, I can do that." She frowned, considering just what that might entail. "Might have to workshop some stuff. I don't think these freaks feel pain. Or much of anything."

Miko smiled, though, and it didn't escape her notice that she hadn't taken her hands away yet. "There. We have a place to start." As if to curse her earlier thought, the touch on her cheek fell away and Magna's stomach dropped, feeling suddenly lost without that contact to hold her steady.

Instinctively, she reached out, latching onto Miko's hand with hers, fingers tangling. Alarmed at this involuntary action, she moved to pull away but a firm squeeze held her in place. Magna ducked her head, staring at their hands dangling between them, latched together, struggling to comprehend that it was her own action that had brought them there.

She exhaled shakily, flinching as she felt something settle once more against her cheek. When she looked up, Miko was smiling at her still, a shadow of concern in her gaze but expression impossibly easy, calm - like this contact between them hadn't just turned her world on its head and shaken it off its equilibrium in the way it had Magna's.

She swallowed, tried to work her mouth into something that qualified as speech, to say anything, but her head felt empty, her emotions taking up all the space words usually would.

Thankfully, Miko beat her to it. "You know, I'm feeling kind of tired. You mind if we just stay here a bit before we search the rest of the place?" She smiled at her, hand leaving her face as she turned, stepping back into the counter so she could lean against it for support, pose deceptively casual.

The hand in hers didn't budge, though.

Frowning, Magna nodded. "Yeah. Yeah, sure." By some miracle the words made their way out and didn't sound nearly as rattled as she felt inside and, after a moment, she forced her body to follow Miko's example, leaning back against the counter and exhaling.

It had been a long day.

Miko smiled sideways at her. "We're going to be okay, Magna."

She snorted. "You know that, huh?"

The smile didn't falter. "Mm, just a feeling. We're both too stubborn to let this world beat us."

"Not sure that's how it works." But despite herself, she felt a small smile of her own tugging traitorously at her lips. She closed her eyes, allowing the warmth of Miko's touch to wash over her and fight the residual terror away.

"Well, we're okay now, aren't we?" The shoulder against hers lifted in a shrug. "It's a start. We've made it this far, we'll make it farther. Can't imagine it gets much worse."

Magna breathed out.

She was right.

They were okay. For now, they were okay.

But she also knew that things _could_ get worse.

Things could always get worse.

* * *

_"Sometimes, reaching out and taking someone's hand is the beginning of a journey._

_At other times, it is allowing another to take yours."_

_― Vera Nazarian, The Perpetual Calendar of Inspiration_


	10. One Day You'll Make It Home

**Past**

Magna sighed and yanked the kitchen knife out of the corpse's neck. She'd been aiming for its head but, well...

"We need to get more weapons." She wasn't going to repeat the mistake she'd made today - using up all the ones she had on hand and being forced to resort to a piece of glass. If that glass hadn't been there, what would she have been able to use to save Miko?

As concealable as her buckle knife was, it wasn't exactly handy. Not when you didn't have time to prepare for a fight. Not when you only had a split second to act.

Thank god, they at least had some scalpels now. Kitchen knives were big and aggressive looking but they needed a fair amount of force behind them to actually get the job done, especially since hers were kind of blunted from long use and lack of care.

She may or may not have picked them up at a garage sale.

"So you've said," Miko murmured, taking in the disaster scene they were currently standing in. "We'll get more."

Her voice sounded funny so Magna paused in the process of wiping the blade off on the creature's shirt, looked up.

Miko was standing over the body of the sicko who'd been on top of her only hours before, the one that had a bloody shard of glass currently sticking out of its head. Magna swallowed the flare of rage that rose up inside her at the sight of him, at the memory of what he'd nearly done to Miko.

That rage was useless. This wasn't even a person. Wasn't his fault. It was a parasite. She might as well get angry at a flea for making a home in some dog's fur.

"You okay?"

Miko didn't look up, her face expressionless. It was somewhat unnerving. It was rare to see the other woman so shut down, devoid of feeling. "He was a good man."

Or maybe not so devoid.

Magna hesitated, glanced back at what remained of that man. There were rainbow-colored puppies all over his scrubs, though most of them were now flaunting a sickly shade of red instead. "Right. I forgot that you knew the people working here."

Which might just be another reason why he had gotten the better of Miko, besides her lack of skill when it came to fighting.

Magna tried to imagine coming face to face with one of these things in the body of someone _she_ knew, someone she liked. That was a very small list, though. Most of the people she liked were dead long before the Apocalypse ever came a-calling. Still, it wasn't a pleasant thing to imagine.

Miko bit her lip. "He didn't deserve this."

No kidding.

"Shit like this usually happens to people who don't deserve it. That's the way of the world." She regretted the words and her flippant tone a moment later when she saw Miko flinch.

Shit.

She really sucked at this. She didn't know how to comfort people, especially if they weren't a kid. She'd never had to do it before.

Magna winced. "Sorry."

But Miko sighed, raked a hand through her hair. "It's not your fault. It's not anyone's fault."

Debatable. Magna didn't trust the government as far as she could throw them. It would be just like them to cook up an Apocalypse by accident - or, hell, even on purpose - and then go into hiding once things got out of control. Maybe all the billionaires of the world were living it up in some glitzy bunker underground, safe as houses whilst hell on earth unfolded around them.

But this wasn't the time for conspiracy theories.

She hesitated before going over to Miko, paused a second longer before allowing her fingers to slowly extend and hook loosely around the other woman's. It wasn't quite a hold, but it was something.

She didn't know how people did the whole handholding thing naturally. What was acceptable and what wasn't. How you initiated it. How tightly you were supposed to wrap your fingers around someone else's, how long you were supposed to wait before letting go. It was all foreign to her.

She usually just followed Maisie's lead.

What happened before, in the exam room, had been a fluke. She still wasn't sure _how_ exactly it had happened. What had made her reach out in the first place. Certainly couldn't get herself to do it again on command.

So. She hoped this was okay.

Hoped she was doing it right.

Miko's hand drifted a little towards hers, a reassuring pressure.

"Hey," Magna started. "I'll take care of this. You should go check on those animals again."

Miko jerked slightly, frowned. "Magna, no. Your hand-"

Fuck her hand. "Is fine. I can handle this."

She hadn't actually been planning to do anything with the bodies but she knew that wouldn't be acceptable to Miko, especially not when these particular bodies had once belonged to people who mattered to her. Magna had never dug a grave before but now seemed like as good a time as any to start learning.

The other woman resisted. "But-"

"Seriously, Miko. You shouldn't have to do this," she stressed. "And you don't have to. I've got it."

_Just let me do this one thing for you._

But Miko shook her head, expression set. "You're wrong. I do have to do this." Magna opened her mouth to protest but was cut off immediately. "There's no way I'm risking you getting that wound infected or tearing one of those stitches." Magna would tear off a hundred stitches if it meant Miko wouldn't have to put herself through the hell she was currently planning to. But the other woman shrugged, the action unsettlingly simple, at once resolved and resigned. "Besides, I knew them - it should be me."

Like fuck it should. "Miko-"

"This isn't a debate. I'm doing it." Her voice was firm, the same kind she'd heard her use in the courtroom. The kind that dared others to argue with her, to reject her words.

Magna's shoulders slumped. Miko had always been the one person whose stubbornness could stand up against her own, even overpower it. "You don't have to protect me, Miko. I don't want you to and I don't need you to."

The other woman scoffed. "Oh, but you want me to let you protect me?" At Magna's frown, she pushed forward, "That's what you're trying to do right now, isn't it? Bit hypocritical if you ask me."

Magna's temper flared. "You knew them and cared about them, Miko. You shouldn't have to see more of this than you have to," she snapped before swallowing a second later. "The image never leaves you." She'd spent ages with Maisie's body before the police had arrived. She could remember what she looked like in those hours far more clearly than she could form a picture of how she'd appeared in life.

Sometimes, when memories of Maisie came to her, the lively little girl of before would be replaced by a pale, bloated specter, giggling as she ran away from Magna's clutches or planted a kiss on her cheek. Sometimes, when she thought of Maisie, all she saw was death.

Miko sighed, softening a little. Her fingers tangled with Magna's, loosely, then fastening tight. She closed the distance so easily, without thought or hesitation. Magna couldn't understand how.

She traced a thumb over the outside of her injured hand, brushing over the gritty material of the bandage, back and forth, back and forth, finally settling on the patch of skin she knew housed her tattoo.

So simple. Almost natural. Like she'd been doing this for years. Like Magna hadn't flipped out every time she'd attempted such contact in the past.

Like their hands were made to do exactly this.

She hated that it felt so good.

Miko caught her eyes, gaze unwavering, resolute. "I've already seen too much, Magna. He was fucking on top of me for Christ's sake. It's done. You don't have to protect me, either." She shrugged. "You can't."

_But I want to._

God, she wanted to. She didn't want Miko to have to deal with any of this, to endure more pain than she already had. She didn't deserve it. She didn't deserve any of this.

Not like Magna.

Miko smiled sadly, seeming to read that conflict on her face, and wrapped both her hands around Magna's, sealing it within a cocoon of reassuring warmth. "I need to do this. And you need to let me."

She gave that hand one final squeeze, then drew away.

Reluctantly, Magna let her go.

"I'll be here," she promised uselessly, wishing there was more she could do, her heart revolting at the thought of allowing the other woman to go through this on her own.

Miko's mouth lifted weakly in a smile. "I know."

* * *

**Present**

The dilapidated hospital wasn't exactly Magna's idea of a safe haven but it had walls, a roof and, even more importantly, enough space for all of them. She hadn't spent much time inside the tiny shack that had qualified as a safe house, but it had been more than long enough to start feeling claustrophobic. She and Miko had made a run for the fresh air outside first chance they got.

This place would do. But it wasn't Hilltop.

She knew that distinction rested even more heavily on Miko's shoulders.

The other woman had grown quieter the further away from their former home they traveled.

And she wasn't oblivious to how twitchy she'd gotten the longer they'd been inside the hospital - or The Tower, as everyone had taken to calling it. Her fingers had been tapping up a constant, distracting tempo against her thigh as she glanced around them, watching the movements of the other survivors.

Carol had kept a wide birth from them - or, more likely, Miko - and Magna was grateful for that. She didn't think another blowup between the two women would do anything to settle the obvious nerves of the people around them.

Everyone was on edge, not just Miko.

Magna included.

Mostly because she'd been avoiding Kelly. They hadn't run into each other at the safe house and Magna had endeavored to prolong that luck in the time since.

She didn't know what to tell her. How to face her.

Knew she wasn't the person Kelly hoped most to be reunited with.

Connie had to be alive. If for no-one else's sake than Kelly's. She couldn't lose her. Didn't deserve that pain.

Magna was familiar with how deeply it cut.

_Tap, tap, tap._

She sighed and turned her attention to the woman beside her. One problem at a time.

"You okay?" she asked, nudging Miko with her shoulder.

The other woman smiled half-heartedly. "Just not a big fan of hospitals. Even the ones that haven't been operational for over a decade."

Magna nodded. "I remember."

Her first week on the outside had been spent inside the stifling, white walls of a hospital room - and not a very big one. By day three, she was nearly climbing the walls and Miko hadn't faired much better. Twitchy as hell and constantly needling the nurses and doctors for updates on Magna's health and more than a few times disagreeing with their methods. Magna's doctor had been exasperated with them both and looked about as relieved as the two of them once her stay was finally up.

Miko grimaced slightly at the memory. "That was a hell of a week."

Magna could only agree.

It had been a sort of baptism by fire in terms of being thrust back into the world again, softened slightly by the fact that she'd spent the next month after that sleeping in Miko's spare room. Years later and Magna still couldn't quite believe that the lawyer had freaking opened up her home to a former client that had just gotten out of prison. For murder. At the time, she'd had concerns for Yumiko's self-preservation instincts and had made a note to keep an eye on the woman in case this was something she did regularly for convicted killers - exonerated or otherwise.

It wasn't.

Which had just ended up confusing Magna all the more. She couldn't understand what made her special, what about her made Miko _want_ to go the extra mile in helping her.

What made her want to keep Magna around.

To be honest, she still didn't.

* * *

**Past**

It was nearing the end of summer and although the sun above them offered a blistering heat, a cool breeze offset its assault. A small blessing since Miko was currently working up a sweat by singlehandedly digging multiple graves as fast as her exhausted body could manage.

She was about fifteen minutes into the process when Magna found her after a brief inspection of the property - namely, its sizable house which she _knew_ wasn't a mansion but was certainly the closest to one that she'd ever had the fortune of stepping into. Both of her childhood homes could have fit inside it with room to spare.

She'd felt more than a little out of place, walking its halls. Like the cops were going to come and arrest her for trespassing. Perhaps accuse her of stealing, for good measure.

She'd felt similarly in Miss Nakamura's home, especially when the woman insisted on bringing out the 'good china' every time Magna came over - much to her daughter's exasperation.

"Miko," Magna sighed. "You need to rest. You didn't sleep at all last night and today was tiring as hell."

But the other woman shook her head stubbornly, striking the shovel into the dirt once more. "They deserve to be buried, at the very least."

Magna frowned. "It can wait."

It wasn't like they were going to get any deader.

Another shake of the head, another strike of the shovel.

Magna got it. Really.

The day had been a lot. Not just physically but emotionally. Whilst Magna had been trying to cope with a well-worn personal crisis, Miko had been struggling through one of her own. Losing people never got easier. And there was _nothing_ easy about this.

Miko needed to be busy. To be doing _something._

She got that.

Didn't mean Miko had to do it alone.

Taking a breath, she looked around. "There another shovel?"

Miko didn't spare her a glance. "Don't even think about it. Not with that hand."

Fucking hand.

The other woman's concern over it was both bewildering and irritating. It was just a cut. Magna had had worse. So much worse.

Hell, Miko had _seen_ her with worse.

Though, she'd been an ounce overprotective throughout that whole shit storm, too. Like she was waiting every second for Magna to keel over and die.

Back then, it was somewhat more understandable.

But now?

For a _cut_?

More and more, she was wishing that she'd endeavored to hide its existence from Miko. Although, how exactly she would have pulled that off when the other woman had _seen_ her shove the shard into that creature's head was up for debate.

"And what about your wrist?" she challenged.

The answer was short. "It's fine."

Yeah, right. She'd noticed the way the other woman was favoring it throughout their conversation, but she could tell from the hard line of her jaw that pursuing this topic wasn't likely to breed good results.

She frowned, something like desperation building up inside her. "Miko, you're exhausted. Let me help."

"You can help by keeping me company and distracting me from what it is I'm actually doing." She still didn't look up but the tension in her voice was clear.

Knowing no progress would be made, Magna reluctantly accepted defeat and sat down with a sigh. The grass was brittle and browning, poking irritatingly through the fabric of her pants. But the feeling was familiar, almost reassuring as she remembered all the times she'd done exactly this - watching as Maisie practiced cartwheels across the paddock; or supervised her riding Tiny. Often, Morgan would sit beside her, doodling away in his sketchbook, casually creating unflattering mockery after unflattering mockery of her face.

'Magna Carter, in her natural habitat. Note the resting bitch face which is her custom attire'

She'd shoved him into the dam for that comment, but had later stuck the sketch to the wall over her headboard. She'd appreciated the fierce devil horns sticking out of her head which Morgan had crafted with glee. It added a certain flair of character - _and_ it made her look fierce. But then Maisie had taken a blue marker and added a halo and angel wings. The next day, Morgan transformed those into batwings and turned the halo into a ring of fire. Maisie countered this by drawing a rainbow and raindrops to put out the fire. This back and forth continued for several months, until there was nothing much left of Magna in the portrait at all.

Both children were equally proud of their creation, however.

And, privately, so was Magna.

She'd thought of that drawing a lot in prison. Wished she'd had the forethought to shove it into her pocket before leaving the house the day the police showed up to arrest her. At least then, it would have been with the few items she'd collected after she was released.

Likely, her aunt had tossed that drawing in the bin the first chance she got. Or set it on fire.

It was gone from her life just as surely as the children who had made it.

For a moment, there was silence, broken up only by the sound of Miko's shovel and her heavy breathing.

Magna felt useless.

She searched around for something to say, anything that could offer a viable distraction. "So. You were right about the house."

Miko grunted. "Oh?"

"Yeah. The electricity still seems to be running so that generator you mentioned must be working okay. The micro hydra-thingy." It had been the first good thing to happen to them all week. Miko had said that the couple who owned this farm - or 'homestead', as the other woman called it - and the clinic were completely self-sufficient but she hadn't really believed it. Hadn't wanted to get her hopes up.

But she'd been right.

"Plus, they've got like four cars." Who the hell needed four cars? "And a tractor. I'm thinking that we should have enough gas between all of them to get by for a while." Or at least before the fuel went bad.

The tractor might actually be more useful to drive than a car if they planned on going anywhere. Better at traveling cross country, not to mention significantly slower - driving full speed down a road peppered with overturned vehicles and loping corpses sounded like a good way to get dead.

Also kind of fun.

She might just strong-arm Miko into letting her take the wheel of her car so she could give it a whirl one day.

She'd always wondered what _San Francisco Rush_ would be like in real life.

Though, they might have to travel on down to San Francisco to really find out. She'd never been. Maisie had a picture of the Golden Gate in her room, said that if you climbed to the top, you would be close enough to the clouds to touch God.

Magna had found it scrunched up in the bin several weeks before her death.

Yeah, no.

Scratch that.

She never wanted to see the genuine outline of that bridge in her life. San Francisco could suck it.

Miko smiled a little at her words, pulling Magna back from the deadly path her thoughts had stepped onto. "And to think you didn't want to come here at all."

Magna grumbled but had to acquiesce to that. "Yeah, yeah. You were right, I was wrong. Don't get used to it."

The lawyer's smile grew, though it faltered when she struck the shovel down again.

This was going to take the rest of the day, possibly well into the evening. There'd been three bodies, plus an old lady - the wife - that Magna had discovered in the kitchen. She'd quickly dealt with her before Miko could, mindful not to use her bad hand in fear of provoking a verbal lashing from the older woman.

"What else?"

Magna racked her brain, trying to think of anything she'd come across in her brief search that was worth a mention. "Well, not all of the food in the fridge has gone completely bad." It was also a propane fridge, apparently, and still running fine. Miko hadn't been kidding when she called these people survivalists. Kind of ironic, then, that they hadn't lasted past the first day of the Apocalypse they'd spent what might have been their whole lives preparing for. "There's ice-cream."

That, at last, seemed to make Miko pause. She glanced up. "Really?"

Magna's lips curled. The other woman's weakness for ice-cream was well-known. "Yep. Mint chocolate chip."

Miko groaned - the sound doing weird things to her stomach.

Magna frowned.

_What the fuck?_

"That honestly sounds like heaven right now," Miko said, eyes drifting towards the house somewhat longingly.

Weird stomach adventures aside, Magna saw her in. And took it. "Sure you don't want to take a break and leave this till tomorrow? We could sit back on an actual couch for a change and give that ice-cream some love and attention."

Magna wouldn't, of course. She hadn't had ice-cream for years and she wasn't about to break that streak now. The last thing this day needed was her throwing up all over the woman in front of her or, worse, having a full-blown panic attack.

Hard pass.

Miko hesitated, the temptation clear on her face, but ultimately shook her head. "Honestly, if I stop, I'm not sure I'd be able to start again."

Magna sighed in disappointment but she could understand where the other woman was coming from. "Well, it's almost a full tub, so you have that to look forward to when you're done, at least."

Miko grunted, returned to her task. "Don't let me eat it all at once. Something tells me that ice-cream is about to become a thing of the past."

Yeah. Seemed like that was going to be the case for a lot of shit.

Magna raised an eyebrow. "Think you'll survive that?"

The other woman rolled her eyes. "I'm not _that_ bad."

She snorted. "You burst into tears that time you went to get some from your freezer and found there was none left."

Magna had been horrified. Crying women were more scary to her than any sicko. Like what the fuck were you supposed to do? Pat them on the back? Give them a hug?

Yeah, Magna didn't do hugs.

(that instance several nights ago, when everything had gone to shit, was an _exception -_ and one she couldn't see herself ever being capable of repeating _)_

She'd ran out the door instead, racing the few blocks to the closest convenience store. She'd had to use that day's paycheck to pay for the two tubs of ice-cream she eventually toted back with her but she'd considered that an acceptable loss when she saw the way Miko's face lit up when she stepped in the door with her haul.

Miko flushed. "Look, those were extenuating circumstances. I had a bad day at work and I was hormonal."

Magna stared in disbelief. "You scared the hell out of me."

The other woman's face cracked in a grin. "I know. It was hilarious. I don't think I've ever seen you so freaked out."

Bitch. She stuck out her tongue in retribution and Miko laughed, shaking her head.

The sound made something uncoil inside Magna's chest and she relaxed a little. Miko was okay. She was going to be okay.

"So," the older woman started when the hole was almost big enough to fit two bodies inside, their surroundings growing dark as evening drew close. "Are we staying?"

Magna hesitated, looked around at the farm. She hadn't come across any other sickos so far, maybe because the property was so far off the beaten track. The next house was about ten miles away, according to Miko.

That didn't mean those creatures wouldn't eventually find their way here. But there was an electric fence that might still be operational. With a little adjustment, they could probably set up some kind of defense - or at least deterrent - around the house. Something that would give them a head start if shit ever did hit the fan, as it was bound to.

It wasn't perfect but it was better than what they had going on the road, living in Miko's car. Less than a week had already proved that was unsustainable. It might not last forever but for now it would do. That was really all they could hope for. It was more than what most people had gotten in this shitty deal that was the Apocalypse.

Plus, Miko would probably get a kick out of having some animals to look after again. Those cats and dogs needed someone to take care of them - and Magna had spotted a few horses and some dairy cows grazing the paddocks, too; had also come dangerously close to stepping on an indignant chicken - she'd be heartbroken if they just abandoned them. And Magna could admit that she wouldn't feel too great about it either.

"Yeah. We're staying."

Miko smiled. "Home sweet home."

* * *

**Present**

"I'm sorry about Hilltop," she murmured, watching the other woman closely.

If she wanted to talk about it - hell, if she wanted to cry about it - Magna was ready. She was here.

Miko nodded, somewhat subdued as she stared off into the distance. "I know you never really believed it could last."

That was true, and yet- "I didn't. But I still. . ."

Miko turned to her. "Wanted it to?"

"Yeah," she breathed. She'd tried not to want that. But it had been hard to resist the pull of safety and home Hilltop had lured them in with.

She'd wanted things to be easy for once. Good.

Had wanted it for her family even more than she'd wanted it for herself.

Wanted it for Miko, especially.

The other woman had actually believed in the future Hilltop offered. In the promise of it.

She'd had hope.

Magna hated that the world had ripped that from her.

Again.

Miko smiled weakly. "I know. Me, too."

They were sitting on what was once a gurney and now passed for a bed. It was only minimally better than sitting on the floor. She wasn't looking forward to trying it out tonight when it came time to sleep. Her back had never really recovered from those few years she'd spent in prison.

She wasn't exactly high up in the food chain there, so she'd been stuck with one of the older sleeping mats that barely had any cushion left to protect against the hard metal of her bunk.

Those higher up the chain had been in possession of newer, thicker mattresses. It was probably the thing she'd been most envious of during her time there.

She knew, when she laid her head down tonight, she'd be met with dreams of that cell. Magna had slept in enough uncomfortable places during the last ten years to be certain of that.

She was relieved her and Miko were sharing a bed again. Even if it was going to be a hell of a tight fit on the gurney. They might just end up migrating to the floor, anyway.

The reassurance of having her body next to her, hearing the sound of her breathing, feeling the press of her warmth. . .

In the past, it had been enough to stave off some of those nightmares.

And even if that wasn't the case tonight, waking to find Miko there was always the fastest way to ease her transition into consciousness, to make her feel safe again.

Magna didn't know what she would have done if she'd lost that forever.

Thrown it away, more like.

She was pulled from those thoughts by Miko reaching for her hand and holding it between them. Her features were set in one of those determined looks she got when she had resolved to be positive about a situation that was drowning in negatives. "But we still have what's most important. This?" She threaded their fingers together. "This is home. The only one that really matters in the end."

Her smile lost some of its weakness, became stronger but Magna could still see the cracks. Wished she could smooth them away.

She sighed and leaned into Miko, resting her head on her shoulder. "Connie's still missing."

The older woman peered down at her. "We'll find her. Just like we found you."

"I mean, I kind of feel like I did most of the finding on that one. You all were too busy trying not to catch on fire, not really sure you can take any credit. Pretty sure you nearly shot me, in fact."

"I did _not_ nearly shoot you."

"Sure."

Miko poked her in the side, smirking as she let out a yelp. The assault was softened slightly by the smile she wore, this one realer than the last. "I'm glad you found us. I'm glad you're home."

Magna stilled, the corner of her mouth lifting to match Miko's own. Home never _had_ been a place for her. She'd found it in the few people she'd let into her life, found it most of all in Miko.

For years she'd been terrified of losing it. Still was.

But for now, it remained. "Me, too." She craned her head and met Miko in a kiss, melting into the familiarity of her embrace.

For now, she was home.

* * *

_"I wish that one day you'll make it home_

_To a place you belong, a person you love or a passion you may die for_

_Where your heart is cherished_

_Your mind sleeps in peace_

_And your soul is simply understood..."_

_― Samiha Totanji_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so here we are folks, at the end again. I hope you enjoyed it.
> 
> There's more to come but it might be a month or so before I get around to posting anything. I have some edits I really need to get done that I've been putting off, so that's going to take up a lot of my time. And I'm still working on my sea mechanic fics too (if you're interested, I just posted chapter 4 earlier this week).
> 
> But I think there's gonna be a couple of oneshots, another multichap fic, and then the multichap yumiko-centric fic. then a few more oneshots. another multichap fic. and finally the grand finale multi chap fic that I started working on back during the first fic. That one has a little more plot to it.
> 
> Also, I really really love when you take the time to leave me reviews. I spend a lot of time researching, writing and proofreading these fics and it means a lot when people let me know what they think.
> 
> And if you're interested I just finished another yumagna edit :)
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GNIyYGL83ko

**Author's Note:**

> so what do you think? I know this is very internal monologue and so probably quite boring but I got to thinking about Magna's tattoo and the events of 9.6 and well this whole fic was born. The rest of the chapters actually have yumagna interacting and the next one will start off the flashback sequence.
> 
> Also I've just started posting a sea mechanic fic if that's also something that you're interested in


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